Jack's making a (BAD) movie: the videoblog

Music video

2012-01-22T11:41:00.002-06:00

I shot this last year, using my new Lumix GH2

Where I am now

2012-01-22T11:38:00.000-06:00

Well, it's the start of the second year into the new decade, and I didn't make my movie. I failed.

I have done more videos, though. More wedding videos, more videos for others, and more filming as an actor. But everything else is slowed right down, and I obviously didn't reach my objective.

So where do I go from here? I know I have to write the screenplays, for one thing. And then get a crew and cast together to do some more stuff. I have to keep busy, doing anything that's related to making movies, making videos, editing, writing, and doing stuff that makes me a "film maker" and not just a guy who shoots wedding videos.

I have made a music video, which is an accomplishment. Two music videos, in fact. Of which I am somewhat proud, and also have learned lessons in business and production of films.

I can do more. This is obviously why I'm back on this blog.

Let's see what happens over the coming months...

New website

2009-06-25T23:04:00.001-05:00

Well, I just improved my website, and I'm now FISH MONKEY FILMS!

Film Race entry

2008-11-02T21:07:00.002-06:00

Well this was the entry into the film race this year.

Not very good; didn't even get placed. But it was helpful in a lot of ways, as I did develop characters I want to use in the future. I think there was a point we actually abandoned the idea of a three minute thing, and went for scenes that would have worked for a much longer project, so at the end of it we had nothing that would edit down to three minutes.

Which is why it didn't work.

But I still have to post it, as it's part of the process of accepting what I do. Some part of me did it, and I have to accept that part of me and his achievements.

If that doesn't make sense right now, it will at some point...

So...

2008-10-30T08:15:00.003-05:00

So I've finished a screenplay (first draft, anyway) and have got going on a couple more. Did the 24 hour film race (didn't win, or even get placed!) but feel OK about it as I did glean some good things about it which will lead to my doing more with the characters that were developed in it.

Had a walk today and thought about just how hard it is to put a film together, but I also realised how much a very old attitude of mine has been doing its thing over and over again: that I've so often tended to give up on projects when they've got difficult.

This isn't entirely related to this blog: more so with the "Artist's Way" blog or one of my other positive thinking bloggies, but maybe it's something I can use as a topic for a film. Who knows?

But there are other things that are interesting about the whole process of making this film, and it's definitely to do with my frame of mind and general attitude. It's a learning experience, for sure, to make this thing. I know there's been a certain lack of determination, generally speaking, and this is something I need to deal with in order to keep the momentum going and the motivation up for this - and other - projects.

I do need to work with people. I do need to collect more people who'll be part of my team making this thing. This is something I learned from doing the 24 hour film race, I think: that I need to trust people in a team. I need to be able to be a team player as well as an independent, otherwise I'll be stuck doing absolutely everything myself, which just won't do, will it?

I must realise, too, where my strengths and weaknesses lie. I know one of my key strengths is as an actor. That's one of the primary reasons I'm making this film, so I do have to come up with a character for myself that's interesting, watchable, and exciting. I think I've found that character with the one I did for the short, so again that's a positive.

It's a matter, too, of getting a crew together to make this interesting short. Probably going to be a 20 minute thing, I should think.

Break Through Writers Block | Writing Help for Authors

2008-10-15T05:32:00.000-05:00

Break Through Writers Block | Writing Help for Authors

Tension between characters.

2008-10-13T10:09:00.003-05:00

Screenplay: the tension between characters.

I'm finding it really interesting to look at the tension between characters, and what the dynamic is. Fascinating stuff, for sure.

I'm finding myself writing a bunch of things that draw on that peculiar power game between men and women: the sexual tension, the control thing, the fear/love/sex dynamic.

Wonder what that's about?

The writing does bring something up for me, though. Frankly, I'd rather be writing THIS (about writing) than actually doing it for real. Perhaps because of all the expectation on me. Again, why I need to simply write a bad screenplay. It will break down an awful lot of blocks for me.

First screenplay written

2008-10-12T17:38:00.004-05:00

Well I've written my first draft of my first screenplay. I'll leave it a while, go back to it, then make whatever adjustments to it that seem appropriate, make a second and third draft (and most likely more) before deciding what to do with it.

Next screenplay coming up. And the question is, what will it be about? I'm thinking something very different, and also using some of my own thoughts and ideas, beliefs and observations in the characterizations. When characters have strong opinions, it makes for strong subjects, and leads to good conflict with other characters.

I had a thought: maybe I should explore some relationships myself now, just to see where they might go. What relationships, for example, might I rekindle? What relationships can I go deeper into? What relationships, and types of relationship, can I explore? Relationships are essential to the creative person.

Maybe I can explore something along those lines in a screenplay.

We'll see what comes up.

.............................................................

I made (well, sketched, more like) a kinda music video thingey of myself yesterday for a friend in Canadia. Just took a Barry White song and mimed to it. Didn't do very good color corrections, didn't get the light right much of the time, didn't get the miming perfect at all. Lots wrong with it, but it was keeping my creative juices going as an editor. And keeping the creative juices going is what it's about.

Current screenplay

2008-09-27T09:28:00.002-05:00

Well, I've written the basic first draft of the first full feature screenplay. Now I have to fill it out some to make it work, before adjusting it however I need to for the second draft.

But it has a beginning, a middle and an end, which is what it's supposed to have.

Plus, it's good.

24 hour film race

2008-09-22T08:14:00.008-05:00

Elizabeth Kring
Billy Kring
Casey
Well the film race is done. Thursday is the showing, and we'll see what happens.

It was interesting. Didn't go the way I'd intended, and was let down by flaky actresses and crew that were supposed to be there but just didn't turn up. They're crossed of my Christmas card list, that's for sure.

In the end, I found a great DP and cast. Didn't write anything, as there was an uncertain element in the thing - the *$#@& actress - who just let us down. How do you write something that will include someone who you can't contact? So be it.

So we did some shots, did some improvs, and made something that was a bit wacky in the end, as we didn't know where to go with it. The idea was to have some music in it, which I wrote and recorded in the last hour but which I was nervous about putting on it as it was so close to the Beatles "Hard Day's Night" that there just might have been copyright issues. So the music didn't get added, for fear of getting disqualified.

It was fun, though. I think we can do something now with the actors - the characters we now have from the piece - including Billy's wife, Elizabeth, who played "not Frank" It's given me a real sense that I can actual produce a film that will have some depth and quality, and look good, too.

Need to find someone to do sound, though...

Erin and Steven's wedding

2008-09-13T11:54:00.001-05:00

Film Race and other things.

2008-08-29T20:15:00.003-05:00

All signed up for the film race, and I'm just getting together a cast and crew.

Interesting, getting everything together. Not casting it, as there won't be time - just casting from photos and then seeing what talent turns up on the day - unless I can find actors I already know, that is.

But it's giving me a condensed sense of what I have to do to make the bigger film.

Interesting, of course, that I'm doing the other projects at the same time. I've found people for the "Real Men" documentary as well as getting Kevin's footage going. And I'm probably going to be in New York for the shooting of the documentary about Bobby Pearl and the Modern School. Not sure how I'll use footage if she's not there, though.

But we'll see.

Main other thing is that I really have a brilliant outline now for the screenplay of the main feature. That's settled: it's what I'm doing.

Breaking Into the Film and Television Industries | How-to Guides for running your business from Work.com

2008-08-24T22:51:00.000-05:00

Breaking Into the Film and Television Industries | How-to Guides for running your business from Work.com

Austin FIlm Race

2008-08-24T19:00:00.003-05:00

I've been vacillating about making this little short again in September. Just a three and a half minute thing, but I want to do it. It's fun. Last year was fun, and it was surprising how motivated I was to do it.

But there were some disappointments, and some crushed egos...

This year it's on September 19th

Film Friends

2008-08-18T10:42:00.000-05:00

Film Friends

Just joined the site "FIlm Friends"

Current news

2008-08-18T09:58:00.002-05:00

Well, I've been stalling on the making of the screenplays, which isn't surprising. I have been pursuing making the first dramatic short, though, which is good. Not my screenplay, which isn't so good, but it's my shoot, my direction, and my edit, which is (good).

I am working on the documentaries, however, and those have been interesting. Plus, of course, the weddings videos, which are getting some good feedback from the clients as well as others. Again, good news, as it means I'm getting better at what I do. Even as I look back to my earlier attempts I can see how much the composition, lighting, sound, editing and such have improved. All these aspects will be passed on to my more adventurous projects, of course. I am, as it were, learning my craft...

..........................

I watched Network the other day, and was bowled over by how brilliant the film was. I'd last seen it probably thirty years ago, and I'd forgotten just how brilliant it was. Fabulous writing. Every character had a memorable, passionate, important monologue and scene, and not one moment of the film was just dressed up crap like so many films nowadays. I reflected, again, how films today are all wrapping but no content. They have so little to say. And yet Network is an important film today as it was in 1976 or whenever it was made.

If I can write dialogue anything approaching that good, then I'll consider myself a huge success.

What's it all about?

2008-08-09T04:25:00.003-05:00

To quote Michael Caine in "Alfie", I do find myself asking what it's all about, this film making malarkey. Do I really want to make a film that much? I mean, film making is loaded with egotistical, desperately lonely, fucked up people who need attention and fame, and commonly is there to entertain, move and educated people who have little or no connection or understanding of some of the subleties of existence.

On some level I know I crave the attention and power of fame and fortune (and fortune only really comes from selling to the masses) but in all honesty do I give a rat's arse about reaching some of the ignorant masses if it only means keeping them ignorant, or making them even more so?

So many people in the film industry are arrogant, self important arseholes who have little or no story to tell at all. Why should I devote myself to such an industry? What is the point of selling your soul to people who have no soul themselves? For the sake of money or fame?

Going back to the last project, which was something being made by new film makers: if that kind of arrogance and back stabbing, desperation and ruthless, narrow minded unprofessionalism is what's needed to make a film - let alone such an unimportant story with daft, mindless violence - then I have to ask myself if it's an industry I want to be a part of at all. Do I want fame if what I'm a part of is shite - even if the shite is well packaged, or sold to millions of idjots as entertainment?

But we live in a world where millions read tabloids and watch Jerry Springer. These are the audience we have nowadays.

Depressing, isn't it?

There's some likelihood that some of the shots I was supposed to have been in in "Strings" will have been passed over to one of the other actors. Well as far as I'm concerned, I really don't care. It was in many ways an abysmal film in my eyes, and if that's the kind of thing I'm expected to do in order to be "successful" then I think I'll avoid success all together.

If I'm going to make films, I'm going to make intelligent films. Low budget they might be, but they're going to be well written, with good stories, well rounded characters, and have something important to say. They're not going to be chewing gum for the eyes, no matter how fruity the chewing gum might be. Content is what matters to me, not the way the shot looks through the viewfinder.

I'm far happier with the idea of making a well written cult film that reaches a few thousand than a shite blockbuster that merely pressed the adrenaline buttons.

But I do nevertheless need to get beyond vacillating. This film isn't going to make itself. HOWEVER, when I'm clear about it, I know it's going to come together a lot more easily.

Orson Welles fish fingers

2008-07-06T12:10:00.002-05:00

An hilarious video (well, voice only) of Orson Welles working with the directors of a Findus fish fingers commercial in the UK:

There was a man who knew the way it should be done. And having to put up with idiots.

But at the end of the day he was still a washed up, difficult man doing cheap ads to make a living.

Sad, really, considering he'd directed one of the best films ever made.

Fave films

2008-06-29T21:16:00.002-05:00

If I look at some of my favourite films, what do they have in common:

American History X
The Matrix
Groundhog Day
Lawrence of Arabia
The Godfather
Mean Streets
Taxi Driver
The Hit
Performance
The Man Who Fell to Earth
Magnolia
Boogie Nights
Platoon
Dr. Strangelove
Butterfly Effect
Sliding Doors
Sexy Beast
The Big Lebowski
Donnie Darko
Heat
Usual Suspects
K-Pax
One flew over the Cuckoo's nest
Shawshank Redemption
Closer
Raging Bull
Wings of Desire
Fight Club
Some Like it Hot
Crash
The Conversation
300

to name but a few.

What do they have in common?

They have great stories. They're compelling, and thought provoking. They're intelligent.

None of them is simply "chewing gum for the eyes" and none is simply entertainment. I haven't included films such as Bond films, meaningless thrillers.

A couple of years ago Michael Moore made a speech about films, and he said that modern films have no importance any more. They have no meaning, no real value. They're only entertaining, or money making, or thrilling, or just fantasy diversions.

This resonates with me a lot. A film, to me, has to have more than just entertainment value. A film has to be intelligent, and thought provoking, and have a really interesting, important story. It has to say something. So many films nowadays don't have anything to say. They might be exciting. They might have great special effects. But if that's all they have: some trick to keep the mind occupied with tasty chewing gum for 90 minutes, what's the point?

I really would like to be able to write something that's good and important. Something with a great story, great plot, and some significance. I want to give people a perspective that they haven't had before.

Of course, it's been said that there are only seven stories, when it all boils down to it.

But I know I want to make intelligent, thought provoking films.

How the fuck do I do that? It all seems so far away.

I know I have to apply a set of principles to the making of this film. I know I have to apply a method to the making of it: first, perhaps, in its basic story and plot. I need to come up with a story that's pretty original.

Let's take a look at the list again and see what's in common with all of them, starting with the hero of the piece:

American History X : guy becomes racist, befriends black guy, stops being racist.
The Matrix : guy against the world, fighting evil, classic hero/messiah
Groundhog Day ; hero starts as cynic, gains perspective, comes to life
Lawrence of Arabia : hero faces own demons, becomes martyr to a cause. An odyssey.
The Godfather : Hero faces up to being a man, conflict with ideals, conflict of value
Mean Streets : Hero faces world, battles own demons, becomes victim
Taxi Driver : Hero is outcast, becomes hero through odd ways. Maintains integrity.
The Hit : hero find self, faces past, past catches up, faces conflict
Performance : hero changes through meeting others very different to himself
The Man Who Fell to Earth : hero is alien, we see world through his eyes
Magnolia : heroes all have to face demons (multiple heroes/intertrwined story)
Boogie Nights : heroes face demons, face long dark night of soul
Platoon : hero/antihero conflict
Dr. Strangelove : Anti hero/ comic hero
Butterfly Effect : hero realises he's powerless against the world
Sliding Doors : hero realises what's important - illusion of life story
Sexy Beast : hero faces demons and past. Realises what's important. An odyssey
The Big Lebowski : the reluctant hero. Characters develop/ relationships
Donnie Darko : hero saves the world and dies doing so (Messiah)
Heat : Hero versus hero: the dilemma of opposing values/similarities/other side fence
Usual Suspects : anti hero is pretending. Heroes face retribution
K-Pax : hero is alien, deals with life's difficulties. Personal odyssey
One flew over the Cuckoo's nest : hero fails, other hero emerges
Shawshank Redemption : hero fights system and wins
Closer : conflict between men: hero wins eventually. Nice characterizations
Raging Bull : hero destroys himself through fighting world
Wings of Desire : hero comes to life (analogy)
Fight Club : hero reject false self, fights self.
Some Like it Hot : hero realises he only has to be himself to get the girl
Crash : multiple heroes/ characters emerge from conflict
The Conversation : hero fights own demons/self
300 : hero fights the impossible, knowing he will die in the process (glory)

So in each film there's an identifiable hero. In each, there's a conflict that has to be overcome, and in some cases that happens, in others it doesn't. But it's always the conflict that means something.

This time, if I look at each film from the perspective of the story and plot, what could be the logline?

American History X - boy sees one perspective on life, adopts it, lives his belief, then sees another viewpoint as he matures.

The Matrix : man wants to know The Big Secret, faces dilemma of deciding (red/blue pill), faces fears and death, becomes reborn (analogy)

Groundhog Day : man has to accept who he is and where he is to be happy. Has to be in "the now". Realises life just keeps repeating patterns.

Lawrence of Arabia : "Nothing is written": man decides he must prove himself. (Seven pillars of wisdom)

The Godfather : man rejects his father's life and family, does "his thing" but faces duties again. Adopts role, rather than "is himself"

Mean Streets : man has to choose family over Mafia responsibilities. Dilemma.

Taxi Driver : Man likes girl. She thinks he's weird, he becomes weird (rejected by society), become hero by accident. Girl likes him, he rejects her.

The Hit : man chooses to escape mafia life, faces retribution, finds self spiritually.

Performance : man escapes mafia, meets opposite type, changes through seeing new perspective.

The Man Who Fell to Earth : man has to face up to cruel life. Surrenders (bleak)

Magnolia : Man hates mother, father, women. Resolves with father on deathbed. Woman realises she loves man who she cheated on. Man and daughter can't resolve, man attempts suicide, frogs intervene (chance happening), kid makes stand against father/ role, man rejects role similar to child; police officer finds himself, faces moral value conflicts, Male nurse is kind, faces conflicts with dealing with patient
.
Boogie Nights : Life is great, life is shit, what's it all about. Rebellion, journey into dark side, finding self, ego study, rediscovery of self through conflict. People face identity crises, realise worthlessness, wearing of masks.

Platoon : Becoming a man through war: change of beliefs through struggle

Dr. Strangelove : What is the story here?

Butterfly Effect : man can change history, but something still goes wrong.

Sliding Doors : we see how a simple moment can change history.

Sexy Beast : man's past catches up with him. His odyssey revolves around facing his fears, facing the devil. His nemesis tries to do the same (mirror scene) and we see conflict of McShane character's closet homosexuality and self hatred
.
The Big Lebowski : passive odyssey - meeting of many characters.

Donnie Darko : boy meets girl, boy travels through alternate reality, saves girl and world (sacrifice, messiah, CHANCE)

Heat : man has great integrity, works with fools, meets similar in enemy (Pacino/cop) Pacino admires adversary but not his allies.

Usual Suspects : skull duggery and betrayal: watch out who you trust
.
K-Pax : man goes into self, is saviour of others, becomes saved, alien has trip to earth

One flew over the Cuckoo's nest : man versus evil stupid establishment. Makes friend in silent Indian. Indian finds voice again.

Shawshank Redemption : man is wrongfully imprisoned, victim of injustice, but justice eventually prevails. Black man finally says what he feels and is released.

Closer : who's telling the truth? Who loves who, and who wants who?

Raging Bull : man is desperately wanting love, but trusts nobody. Is own worst enemy. Doesn't learn, and is detroyed through own intrasigence. Conflict: takes a dive in the ring.

Wings of Desire : man stops being perfect angel and becomes real on earth (analogy is of being born and taking off THE MASK

Fight Club : man wonders why his life is so empty. Hits himself, fights himself to get some reality in his life. Lives out his conflict fully.

Some Like it Hot : Guys running from Mafia because they were witnesses. Have ideals that they let go of eventually, meet girl, accept things as they are.

Crash : How people's lives intertwine. How one thing affects another, and CHANCE plays such a part in things. Conflict in all characters, as they end up becoming protagonists and heroes, surprising themselves in what they encounter.

The Conversation : man becomes involved in job he does, and starts making moral choices rather than being a "fly on the wall"

300 : Man does what he know will kill him, but knows that the alternative is unacceptable. The truly heroic man.

Realism in film

2008-06-29T18:57:00.003-05:00

I was thinking about one scene I was shooting in "Strings". The scene was where a group of us were exiting a house after rescuing a girl from a group of armed men holding her hostage. As I was exiting, the character I'd built flew out of the house full pelt to get back to the car and escape. I came barreling out at full speed - as you would in such circumstances - in order to escape possibility of capture or being killed by the gunmen chasing me.

What happened was interesting. The action had been decided to occur at a specific point near the doorstep. This was for the benefit of the framing of the scene - decided in pre production - and the aesthetic quality of the whole piece. One of the other characters had been shot, another was determined to not leave and had to be dragged to the car, and so my character had to go back and assist.

What the director expected was the actors to fit into the pre-designed shot. But it was silly, really. There was no realism to it, and my bet is that it'll show in the shot. There was little of the gritty realism you'd find in such a scene. None of the stumbling and falling, the real adrenalin filled desperation you'd get in such circumstances. There was just a bunch of people pretending. And I can't stand to see a bunch of people pretending.

Now I realise this is generally the way films are made: a scene is built either in story board or otherwise, and the actors then "do their thing" in order to make the imagined scene a real one.

It occurs to me that there are distinct disadvantages to this method. Firstly, it rules out any possibility of "finding a better way" of shooting the scene. Sure, there may be some rather nice stuff going on in the frame, and it may be very well composed and so forth - but on the other hand there's no reality going on. The actors aren't connected in any way, the performances become wooden and contrived, and although it all may look very pretty on screen, I sincerely believe something's lost.

As an actor, I know that there's nothing like really connecting with the reality of what you're doing. When you're running hell for leather, and you realise that something's happened that means you have to do something else in the scene, all the motivation's there to just naturally do whatever's needed in the action within the film.

Personally, this is where I think rehearsal is so important. When the actors can rehearse a scene in character, and find whatever they need to do to make the apparent reality happen, it has to be a better thing, filmically. Then, it's a matter of planning how to shoot the whole thing. The choices are wide shot, hand held, and whatever else might be needed for the shot, just the same as with ordinary, planned "storyboarded" film, but the reality of the scene has to add a quality that can't be found otherwise.

Storyboarding has to be just a loose blueprint for film making - except when it's absolutely critical to a scene. When option are open to the actors to find what they can do, the performances can be that much more exciting and real.

I guess I'm thinking on these lines because I'm an actor. A director - or at least many film directors - see things differently. They will commonly see actors as props, and not living human beings with their own wills and impulses.

This has been a bit of an insight, and one I think I'll explore. I know that as I've been doing live, hand held filming I've learned something of following the action. I think it would be really interesting to shoot a film with well rehearsed actors, and then shooting it as though it were documentary.

It might mean some loss of "pretty scenes". It might mean bad camerawork now and then, less than perfect lighting, and less than perfect sound. But if the quality of the acting shines through, and the drama of the scene, surely that's worthwhile?

I don't know if that's been done before.

But I'm going to do it, G*d willing.

Focussing

2008-06-27T10:09:00.003-05:00

Reading back over previous posts, I see something of the patterns in my creative process. Big highs - of "I'm going to do this and that" - followed by...well, followed by nothing.

So it's time to actually commit to the business of making this "bad" movie, rather than expecting everything to fall into place.

What I really have to do now is focus on the writing of the screenplay as I do the other projects, such as the documentaries and so forth. I really have to get something written and made. Just something small - baby steps - but well written, if possible, or badly written if that's all I can muster. It's better, I think, to be in some kind of creative loop than to be stuck.

And so that means setting some time aside daily to writing the screenplay, and staying focussed on it.

The other option, of course, is to do the improvised film that I've been thinking about for a long time. The "improvised/devised" idea, that Mike Leigh has used so effectively.

Or do it both ways: something scripted, and something improvised.

Raising the bar.

2008-06-20T10:42:00.002-05:00

Looking at professional movies - movies by established, brilliant film makers that have been around a long time, I can see I have an awfully long way to go before I'll be making something I can say I'm proud of. There's a LOT of effort that goes into making good films, right from the writing of the script, through the bringing together of the crew and cast, editing, post production and everything else.

It's daft, really, for me to think "I" can make a film. I can't. And this does bring up big things for me with regard to being a team player, which I can honestly say I'm not and never have been. Making a film is a bit of a fantasy for me, really. I know I want to see SOMETHING up on a screen that's come out of MY imagination, but the truth is that won't happen just with me doing it. All I'll be able to do is make the little things I've been doing so far but a bit better, that's all. Maybe I'll put more time and thought into them, and maybe they'll be more watchable than they are now (more effort and time is bound to do that) but they'll still be little quirky efforts at best.

So how do I get around this, I wonder? Do I collaborate with someone, to make this thing I want to make?

Then again, what DO I want to make? I know that the moment I get something clear in my imagination I can do it - imagination leads to the final product, of course. And I know that when I can see something I want to do, and can envisage how to do it, it gets done.

But there's a difference between making a two minute YouTube clip where I look into a camera, spend a few hours editing it, and post it to YouTube. I know I want that instant feeling of achievement and success, and to see that finished product.

Perhaps it's part of the process of learning the business of manifesting something bigger. As my "creation muscle" grows, so will the quality of what I do, the length of the piece, its sophistication and so forth. Of course, I want to get beyond the amateurish nature of what I've been doing and make something really, really good. We all do.

So what's the next step? How do I "raise the bar" and make something a bit more "intermediate"?

I have some projects that could be described as a bit more intermediate. I have a couple of documentaries on the go now - one about local sculptor Bobby Pearl, one about "Real Men", and one I'm starting about a friend, Paul, and his son, Keven, who has Hunter Syndrome, a rare and fatal disease.

These will teach me something more about working on a longer project, finding some kind of rhythm and style, and keeping momentum up on a bigger project.

Of course, the complex elements of a full feature film aren't there, and neither is a script, lighting, crew, soundtrack, or much of the stuff that goes into a "proper" film, but I think it's a fairly good intermediate stage to be at now.

As long as I can keep back the demands from my inner, noisy critics that what I'm doing is still way less than what I should be doing "at my age" I'll be content with my efforts.

But I do need to raise the bar now.

Use of split screen

2008-06-20T10:29:00.004-05:00

Shit Youtube higher
Uploaded by synchronicity

Shit Youtube higher
Video sent by synchronicity

This was a quick video I made for the "Artist's Way" group. It's my inner voices that criticize me for anything I do.

Regardless of its own artistic merit (it was made in just a few minutes, so hardly took much thought) it is something I want to pursue as a style in making film.

Not to the degree I've done here, with so many "windows", but I like split screen. I remember seeing "The Thomas Crown Affair" back in the 70s that used a really nice split screen for telling a story rather well. The elements of things happening at the same time were conveyed in a unique way. You can see something of it in this trailer for the film, although it doesn't feature the examples that I remember as being really good:

So I'll be playing around with that idea in something soon.

2008-06-16T16:55:00.001-05:00


border="0" alt="48 Hour Filmmaker: Austin 2008" />

Muses II

2008-06-13T15:08:00.001-05:00

Muses II
Video sent by synchronicity

Docu / promo for "Muses II", a production for the Austin Vestige Group, who perform short pieces in selected people's homes.

This has inspired me to turn at least one of the pieces into a short film. I'll probably shoot it on 24p in 16X9

Looking forward to the project.

This was fun to shoot and edit.

Muses II

2008-06-13T00:00:00.003-05:00

Been shooting a local performance of Muses II, set in a house in .

Just short monologues/dualogues, written with the house in mind and directed by local director of 's Vestige Group.

I want to expand on a couple of the pieces and make them into short films.

This seems to be my current "arty" directorial project - assuming I get the interest from those concerned.

I can see how easy it is to pick up a posse of actors for future work this way...

This is something that's come out of the project I've been working on for local sculptor Bobby Pearl, which in turn came from the little documentary I did on the Art Trail last year.

One project leads to the next!

YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.

2008-06-05T19:01:00.000-05:00

YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.

This, hopefully, is the YouTube "video toolbox" - a handy little advice page for making videos.

Lordy, Lordy, Lord! Hallelujah!

2008-05-17T18:43:00.001-05:00

I was just going through an old diary, and looking at what I'd intended to do about writing, and I found lists of people I was going to write about.

And that's it! I've been so fucking introspective the past years I've forgotten all about just being interested in others. Rather than seeing people as allies or enemies or indifferent bods in my life, as a writer it's my duty to get to know people, study them, understand them - no matter who they are or what they do - and use them as characters in my writings and films.

So from this moment on I choose to get to know people for who they are. And then write character studies about them.

I talked to some crazy woman in New York a few years ago who said she was a character in a David Mamet play. She recognised herself (and knew Mamet)

The perfect source! And no more boring introspective wankery on my part!

I have seen the light!

Jackfilms

2008-05-16T14:34:00.000-05:00

Well, I just re-instated my website as "Jackfilms" and I'm now found at http://www.jackfilms.net

Which is nice, because people know ".net" more than they know ".com"

So I feel a bit better about that.

I'm a film maker, dammit!

Some little epiphanies

2008-05-15T22:01:00.001-05:00

I removed "Hypnotherapist" from my website today.

Why? Because it's bollocks, and I've known all along it's bollocks. And that's why I was never successful with it - because I didn't believe in it. The course did make sense on a lot of levels - in as much that it contained elements of traditional cognitive therapy - but hypnosis and hypnotism rely on an individual's weak frame of mind, and basic irrationality. All hypnosis does is play on weaknesses of thinking, rather than actually strengthen them. And, to add to it, the people who "taught" hypnosis and hypnotherapy in Santa Fe believed in "God". And that just shows how daft they were.

All the while I was there, I thought something was wrong with the course. I didn't want to be a hypnotherapist at all. I wouldn't have minded being a therapist (in as much as you share some common sense, and get to see what makes others tick) but it's actually nothing more than common sense dressed as something special, with a reliance on wobbly thinking.

So what's that got to do with my making a movie, you may ask?

Well, it kinda dawned on me that when one's thinking is woolly, then so is one's creative output. When I know what I know about reality, I'm clear about a lot more things.

Watching Penn and Teller just now, I'm a little clearer about that. And so I'm not associating with nonsense, and am back to believing in myself as an artist, actor, writer and whatever else I do.

I do value "drifting off the path", though. It's helped me know what Truth is when I see and hear it. Sometimes you have to be off track to know where the track is, as it were...

And this means I can apply this new stuff to all my art - not just my films.

One should not fear The Truth, even if it seems to lead to a dead end. The truth, even though it may be painful, is ALWAYS liberating.

Paul Haggis on screenwriting / Stephen King on writing

2008-05-09T11:55:00.000-05:00

The writer of Crash and other screenplays

Also something from Stephen King:

Writing something perfect - writer's block

2008-05-09T10:05:00.000-05:00

I'm just watching an episode of The Prisoner, and I'm noticing flaws in it all the way through. Characterizations that are bad, bad plot, bad writing, bad acting, bad stunts, bad direction...lots of naff stuff in it.

But oddly, it's still entertaining, and still somewhat thought provoking.

What I can glean from watching it is that my own project really doesn't have to be perfect at all.

But it brings up an interesting conundrum: how much has my artistic block been related to my own state of mind, self expectation, fear of "failure" etc?

The Prisoner has a lot going for it: much to do with its success, apart from the original idea, is the setting - a spooky village - and the ambiguous nature of the storyline.

Ambiguity is great to fall back on when telling any story. I don't think I necessarily need to know exactly where I'm going to go with my own story/film/screenplay. I think, perhaps, I've taken the whole idea of it rather too seriously. I don't really need to do the impossible in order to get something watchable.

......................................

Spent another day on "Strings" yesterday. Shot a scene at the dam. Very hot!

One way they approached making the film has been to use whatever's been available to them. If they know someone with a plane, they've used it. Someone with a nice car and they've used it. If they've found someone with a nice house, location, stuff...they've used it. So in essence they've created an entire film around what was available to them.

This is an interesting approach, and something I like to explore myself.

When I came to America 11 years ago I was intending to do something similar: explore the whole, wonderful business of improvisation. As an actor I've always enjoyed improvisation: it's the key to creativity. Applying improvisation to one's own life is even more exciting, once the idea's fully embraced. I know that as I made to with what I had, did what I could with it, created what I could, expanded, grew, and began to thrive as a person, my own sense of self reliance and confidence grew.

This same attitude can be applied to any project, I believe.

Even more exciting, perhaps, is that I can sit in front of a blank piece of paper (or, more likely, a program such as Final Draft) and create something from nothing. And the idea of making things come together out of nothing really is at the heart of creativity.

So it's time for me to explore some more stuff creatively. It's time for me to collaborate, too, perhaps, to make something really fun to do.

But I have an idea I'm already in a creative loop that's leading to bigger, better ones.

Got to do my own stuff too, though.

Current projects on the go...

2008-05-07T19:06:00.000-05:00

Strings shoots again tonight. Some of my last scenes, when I do some rooftop stuff.

I auditioned for a couple of films this last week. One of them looks promising. I hope I hear something.

Other projects: documentary for the local sculptor, Bobby Pearl.

Documentary/short thing for a local photographer, doing a version of the DOVE commercial with the model's face changing.

Website videos.

Editing weddings - using Adobe After Effects, which is good. Also learning some things from the Lynda.com website.

No weddings in May. Some in June.

But I'm learning more about editing, Photoshop, and what I can do with special effects - which is surprisingly interesting.

Documentary

2008-05-04T11:03:00.000-05:00

I just started reading the Rodriguez book about film making, and then it dawned on me.

I want to make films, yes, but I do love making documentaries. They're so important, and so interesting. And I know we should always write, or make art about that which we understand, or have experience of, or what interests us.

I want to make a film - at least a documentary - about rape. I know it's a touchy subject, but I'm a "victim" of rape - at least indirectly - and it touched my life profoundly.

To this day I don't fully understand what happened. I don't really understand why the rape of my then girlfriend should have affected me as much as it did. But it did, and that's a fact.

I want to interview rape survivors, and I want to interview people to find out what their opinions are about rape, and I want to probably (and this may well be the most difficult part) interview rapists.

It's life. It's a fact of life. Rape happens, and it's an awful thing. But what is it, exactly? What is so peculiar about our sexuality that makes rape such a profoundly charged thing? Why is rape, to some people, "a fate worse than death"?

This is something I'll be exploring in my documentary.

I wonder what Pandora's box it'll open...

News so far...

2008-05-03T20:48:00.000-05:00

Well, I've been busting a gut doing a fancy edit of a wedding I did last month.

Using Premiere Pro 2; I'm also using Adobe After Effects to correct some camera shake.

Doing some color correction, white balancing, and playing with zooming in certain parts of clips using the motion vectors of position and scale.

Plus, I've been taking out sections of clips and doing slow motion effects.

All in all, I think I'm finding some degree of my own style by doing things my way. I know I'm not going for the traditional "perfect look" as some of my shots are grainy (low light/no camera light) and there's some handheld camera movement, but that's part of what style's all about, isn't it?

It does mean more work in post production, but that's half the challenge.

Next, I want to play with some of the features on After Effects, combined with Photoshop.

I've been doing some of the online classes with the excellent website Lynda.com, which is inspiring me to learn Photoshop, and add some fancy animations to my projects.

I also want to have a go at green screen.

But I must, must, must get on with writing my screenplay.

........................................

Auditioned for a film today. It went rather well. I'll be playing a character called Todd, who's a political advisor to a corrupt Texas politician. British, of course. That shoots in June.

Also met my friend Heath at the casting. He has a movie project we should be working on together in the coming months. Should be a budget of about $50,000 going into it. Hoping to be shooting it on the Red One camera - a really great system.

..............................................

Bought the book Rebel without a Crew by Robert Rodriguez:

I have to think along some of the lines of Rodriguez - although I can't in all honesty say I'm a fan of his. I can't be bothered with all that violence.

The other thing I have to accept is that film making is probably a lot easier for people in their 20s, because you can get away with a lot more shit when you're 20. Plus, you have the enthusiasm, less apathy, and the motivation to prove yourself is still there. Motives change as you get older. At the end of the day, it's kinda daft making films, really. At least ones that are full of violence. But I know I would have when I was 23. In fact, I was always doing the violent thing - acting like DeNiro in Taxi Driver or Mean Streets, or Deerhunter. - "This is this!"

I'm far more interested in depth of character now. Violence for what it is is meaningless. I grew out of it when I wanted to murder someone myself.

Hey! Maybe I should use all that stuff. That's where I've been going wrong, I suppose.

Perhaps I should write something for a British film, too.

Dammit! I can do this!

Self discipline

2008-04-29T21:08:00.000-05:00

Well, it's a topic that keeps coming back, but I might as well look at it again here, on this blog, because it's as relevant for me here as anywhere else.

And if I'm honest, the business of learning about and making a film, as well as making a living in the film and media industry as a whole, is a lot to do with self discipline, and acquiring skills associated with it.

At the moment I'm reading "Self Discipline in 10 days", and it's helping me see just where my belief systems have held me back, and created the kind of inertia in my life that's helted the constant flow of my creativity.

I need to go back to that wonderful metaphysical principle I learned whilst I was exploring the very nature of creativity and success: principle is not bound by precedent. As long as I remember that, and incorporate my own new beliefs, I'm most certain to succeed in any of these endeavours - whether they're creative, business, or a combination of the two.

I know that in principle, this moment is the first moment of the rest of my life. Corny though that sounds, it does mean that I can tap into a fresh perspective, live in the moment, and create something brilliant without being stuck in past, mind sogging belief systems. I realise that there are a set of principles involved in the making of this film just as there are principles involved in the creation of anything, whether it's a letter, a table, a garden or a house. You start with an idea, you expand the idea, it becomes more concrete as you visualize its coming into being, and it evolves from a simple conception, through possibility, to likelihood and actuality.

For me, I know there are certain old hurdles I have to cross. I know that there's a very young person inside me who can't believe I do some of the things I do. He's the one who was amazed when I got my first part on TV. Even though it was only "The Bill", he was amazed that he was actually going to be on TV. He's the same one who gets amazed whenever I do anything creative. In some regards, he's useful because he, like anyone, is real. He probably lends something important to my character: some vulnerability of something - who knows? - but he certainly doesn't need to be in the driving seat of my life. And that's a lot of what being successful is all about - knowing who of your "selves" to allow in life's driving seat. Crack that little problem, and you're half way there.

So I'll have to apply something of my self discipline skills to this issue of making the film.

Also, I'll have to accept that as I'm making an imperfect film, I'll be working with imperfect people. There'll be times when I'll get pissed off with them, and they'll get pissed off with me. There'll probably by mutual disappointments, setbacks, annoyances, frustrations. But there will also be succcesses. ALL of it will be applied to the process of learning.

So I think I have some ideas about crew now, anyway. Crew, and even actors for this thing. I think perhaps as I've grown to know a few people from this and other productions, I might be able to get a cast together without even having to look for actors. It might be a case of writing stuff for people, of course...

Why make life difficult, after all?

Motivation

2008-04-29T17:26:00.000-05:00

Right now I'm feeling a bit despondent about this project. (My own film - not "Strings") I know the feeling won't last, but I know something of why the despondency's there, and it's to do with my motivation.

There's little point in being only partly motivated to do something. The best motivation is intrinsic motivation, of course, and what I want is to be motivated to make a movie that's not only brilliant in itself, but also to be something that reaches people with its ideas and originality. Just as The Matrix was brilliant, I want my movie to be brilliant, too. I mean, it would be all very well to make something commercially good - such as some action packed, sex and violence thing that appealed just to the reptillian mind, but also it would be good to make something that attracts all people of all ages, races, creeds and such.

It might offend some, of course. And I have no problem with that. Just so long as my movie stays within its own integrity. The beauty of The Matrix is that it made so many people think differently. It opened minds. And that's what I'd like to be able to do.

But HOW did it open minds? What was going on in the minds of the writers prior to The Matrix? Same with Butterfly Effect, Magnolia, Boogie Nights and all the other films I like: what drove the writers to write those stories, those characters, etc? What frame of mind do you have to get into to write a damned good screenplay?

As I'm saying this, I'm having some really exciting ideas about creativity, and I think I want to explore them with the people I know who are working on STRINGS now. They just might be right for it. It would be an extension of the ideas I've played with for a little while on my own - ideas that tap directly into The Creative Process. I just had a couple of little ideas thinking on something Mark (Dennis) said about "read me": "reading" someone always means reading something more into what's going on. We always add our own interpretation to readings of others; our own beliefs are overlaid on top of what the other person thinks.

I just then had a very strong wave of faith in the bunch of people I've been working with over the last few weeks: not because they're easy to work with, but because they're difficult. It's the difficulties that are sometimes the springboards into doing the really excellent work.

Still from STRINGS

2008-04-28T15:15:00.000-05:00

A still from the set of STRINGS. This is a scene where my character (Jack) is supervising the very dramatic plastic surgery of the hero of the piece, Billy

News so far

2008-04-27T23:02:00.000-05:00

Well, "Strings" is nearly done for me, apart from a few remaining shots here and there over the next couple of weeks.

Then there'll be some ADR as the sound really hasn't been recorded all that well on this shoot. I think it seems to be of the directors' opinion that ADR is a good way to go. Some directors apparently use it all the time, giving their actors direction throughout the shooting, and so just taking a rough recording of sound. I wonder how well that works, or at least how well that'll work in this case.

We'll see.

Definitely feeling it's all very possible now to make my own film. It would be nice, of course, to find a studio as good as the one we've been using over the past few days. One wonders what it takes to do so. Ben, the director, does seem to have connections, and the kind of way with people that opens doors. That's a valuable trait in any person who's in business, of course. Something that's not been entirely my "thing", of course, in a lot of my ventures.

However, things can change. After all, this is all a learning thing. An exercise not just in making a movie, but discovering more wonderful life skills. I think sometimes that's one of the primary reasons for adventures of this nature: one learns so much not about life, but about oneself. These are the secondary rewards of such undertakings. Sometime they're more valuable than the undertaking itself.

It does come back to the script again, of course. Being realistic about what I have to offer combined with what I want to do, it has to be said that if I were thinking in terms of a market, and people spending money to watch one of my films, the 20 something market are going to be the ones to aim for, rather than the 50 somethings like myself. And that means making films like this one: with sex, violence, mysogeny, some kind of bizarre theme, swearing, and the usual things that younger people want to see. I know, because that's what I was into when I was 20 something. That's the way it always is.

So perhaps I should bear that in mind. Thing is, though, will I be that interested to make a film like that? I know that with this movie I could have played with a characterization that would have blown away anything Mark would have written, had I been given the chance to explore it. But I didn't, so I have what I have now.

Perhaps I should be playing around a little more with him, just to let him see I'm not an idiot. As it is, I haven't felt particularly connected to this character precisely because he doesn't have all that much going on for him.

Could I write something that much more interesting? That much more exciting? Even for kids in their 20s?

Maybe so. It's a challenge.

But then again, like anything else it really does come down to motivation. Can I honestly say I'm that motivated to make this film, let alone make something so specific to 20 year olds? Perhaps its the 20 year olds that should be making their own films, and me playing parts in them, as I've been doing here.

Well again, we'll see...

My initial reason for making this film was to make something as a vehicle for my talents: writing a film that showed me in a light that gets me more work and plenty of it, as well as making a film that was watchable all round. That's still possible.

Maybe I need to make a film that uses actors that want specific parts written for them. By so doing, I'm more likely to get actors involved, for one thing. Seeing as they'd feel part of the collaboration, their input would boost the conviction, the motivation, and maybe even the money that goes into it.

Again, much of this comes down to focus. When I know what I want, it'll come.

The first hurdle is jumped, though: I know that I want to know what I want. I'm clear, as it were, about being clear.

News so far

2008-04-27T09:16:00.000-05:00

Well I'm still working on "strings" and it's going pretty well, on the whole. Most of the issues I had before seem to have been resolved, and I realise some of it has been my need to protect myself from attacks to my own self esteem. The lack of communication was probably the biggest issue, compounded by the fact that all involved aren't entirely adult, and so there's some degree of loss of energy and focus as egos clash and the learning curve is established.

This has certainly been a huge lesson for me in the making of a film, even though I haven't been playing a direct part in the production of it, other than playing a role in it. But I have certainly been picking up things about direction, lighting, composition, writing, camerawork, and a variety of things I'm going to need to know when it comes time to actually make my own masterpiece. There's something to be said, for sure, about making films in the low budget, "guerrilla" way. There's a real sense of being alive. It's exciting, for sure.

I just want to write something that's closer to my own values; that's more real, more gritty, and has more depth to character, plot, and such. I'm much more interested in really looking at what makes the characters tick, and what lends them to motivation to do things than's been explored in this film. Having said that, kudos to Ben and Mark for making this film, especially at their age.

And age, for me, is another concern. I know that the esteem issues I've dragged around with me my entire life can work for me or against me in the making of my own project. They can work for me if I use them in the script. They can work against me if I don't maintain a sense of "can do" and keep up the positive self talk.

I do need to keep reminding myself, for example, that the making of this film is all adding to the making of my own. The experience is invaluable: I'm doing something NOW towards the production of my own thing.

And, of course, I have my own projects that I'm continuing with: a video for someone next week, a likely July 4th thing, a documentary about a brilliant sculptor here in Austin, as well as my wedding projects.

Then there are the other projects I've worked on for others that are still being edited, as well as the wonderful work which I know is coming to me from other sources over the coming months: the films, commercials, videos, corporate shoots, shorts and so forth that will come through my agents and others.

So many good things are happening!

So...

2008-04-24T08:42:00.000-05:00

So what the fuck was all my wailing and moaning about this film all for? What was I going through, writing all that stuff?

Was I, am I, all that sensitive artistically that I was getting all lost about the character and process, is that it?

Can't say for sure what it was. But it's still shooting over the next few days, I'm in it still, and it's been quite good fun.

But it certainly has been interesting looking at my concerns about it all. I really want to see making this film as a kind of jigsaw puzzle. All the elements have to come together, whether it's artistic content, actors, crew, screenplay, ideas, enthusiasm, motivation, plot, weather, "je ne sais quoi", or any number of obscure, intangible things that cause great or complex stuff to come into being.

And I suppose that, if anything, I'm doing it just for the hell of it: to find out what I need to do, and what I'll learn, in the process.

Characterization

2008-04-19T06:32:00.000-05:00

So some things got aired last night about how I feel about the character I'm playing in STRINGS.

It's been bothering me immensely that I just haven't had him under my skin. Been sending me all over the place emotionally, mentally and so forth. I've felt I've been going crazy, not just in not finding the character, but because of what it all leads to: who I would let down, the loss of self esteem and so on.

But it's still experience: for me as an actor, and as a person - and as a professional.

But here are some still from the production

.....................................................................

Other stuff:

One of the crew dropped out yesterday. For a number of reasons I can't mention here, at least yet. But again it's a complicated business holding so many creative people together. Not something that can be done lightly. There are about 50 actors, 50 locations and 130 odd scenes. I wouldn't attempt that with my first feature.

But I really do have to stop waffling about all this. I have to get writing this thing and, as I've said, make some crap movie.

The important thing is that I do something, as I keep saying, because by doing something at least, I'm learning, and staying in the creative loop.

And it's all about staying in the creative loop.

Crap. I've done crap already. Now I have to do more - until I find something that actually works.

Next, I have to do projects that last a bit longer than a day or two to make. Next, I have to make some projects that take a week or so. And have some happening at the same time.

But this is more waffling, isn't it?

..................................................

Well, I'm doing more wedding videos, and getting better at it all the time. Putting more work into them, with nice edits, music, playing with transitions. Next I want to play with some special effects. I have Adobe After Effects, which I haven't yet played with. Lots of opportunity to do things with it. I'm hoping I can play with camera movement, to reduce the wobble with hand held camera.

Doing weddings is certainly helping me with learning the process of making films. All aspects of film making are there: certainly in making films "on the fly"

Might take a look at some more books on the subject, such as "Guerrilla film making" and others. Also books on making documentary.

Games.

2008-04-17T21:37:00.001-05:00

Games people play with one another: that's a great theme for a film, I think

That may well be a direction I'll be going on this film

Loneliness

2008-04-17T18:49:00.000-05:00

OOOOOOO!

I've had FAB idea: make a documentary about loneliness.

Interview people about what they think it is, how they cope with it, etc.

See where it goes.

Reality, depression, mania, dreams, excitement, and all that bollocks...

2008-04-17T17:48:00.000-05:00

Depressed.

Journaling about my own "stuff", one thing that's come up is that I traditionally got very excited over plans and what I expected to do in some distant future. I can clearly remember being so excited in my salad days about what I was going to be, and what I was going to be doing "when I was grown up". And here I am, grown up, and I've barely achieved those goals.

And the thing is, I'm not really (at the time of writing) drawn to do whatever it is I need to do to actually get the goals done. Making this movie is one of them. If I'm really honest, I don't actually want to do it. Or, at least, there's a battle inside me between the person or people who DO want to make it, and the person or people who DON'T.

On some level, I just want to make some self indulgent wanky old video diary-cum-documentary about me and my struggle with creativity. I certainly can't think of anything right now that's all that interesting, commercial, or even congruent with myself and my values. Back in the days when I thought a great movie had this or that happening in it, then it was easy: I knew what I wanted. Now, at least artistically, I don't really know.

So far I've done some not all that clever little mock ads just to get me familiar with using a camera and editing software. Now I want to actually write a story. But that's where I've come unstuck, it seems. I just don't feel I have a story inside me. I just feel I want to be negative, destructive, and petulantly depressed. I want to be self indulgent, self critical, and ridicule everything I've done in my life.

Of course, the mania was something that fueled the original daring, and desire to do this thing in the first place. But I don't feel at all connected to that mania right now, and I wish I were, because it would, I'm sure, propel me into doing something rather clever - or at least propel me into making a bad project, from which I would learn so much.

This sitting around on my arse does nothing at all.

If only the excitement would hang on during the times when one loses sight of the goal, and has to get up and exercise daily, and keep up the painfully tedious business of staying self disciplined.

I know what I want: to have already made this film. To have already made a shitload of money, gained respectability, fame, experience and wisdom. And, by so doing, be in that wonderful Elysium where all is easy, work comes plentifully, and I don't have to take shit from anyone.

At nearly 52, I kinda think that should have been worked out by now.

But hey! I'm an extremely late bloomer, that's all. Different from ordinary folk. Batty, eccentric.

What I need to play is the original, unique, undiscovered genius card.

Not as though anyone's ever thought of that before, of course...

But I do think I'm a one man show. I like to do it all myself: probably because I want to tell MY story MY way.

But do I have a story to tell any more? It doesn't really feel like it. Besides, any story told a thousand times does get tedious, whatever it is. I can believe even the men who went to the moon get tired of telling each detail of the story. There are bound to be other subjects they want to get on to.

I remember meeting an English actor by the name of Victor Spinetti who is, or was, known as a true raconteur. That was his schtick: he told stories, in a highly amusing, gossipy, older gay man way. Personally, I found him utterly boring, but I could see through the schtick, and to the lonely man underneath it all. I saw in him the quintessential lonely, never-quite-famous actor, who himself told me that he "could have been Jack Lemmon" had he made certain career decisions differently. But he stood in his elegant Brighton house, all nicely furnished, and the bitterness poured off him like cheap, Woolworths' perfume.

Could I make a movie about someone like that?

It's vaguely there in my head. But applying it: that's the difficult part. That's where the slog is. That's where the daily grind and frustration is.

And can I really be bothered? Again, the movie is perfect while it's still in my head.

Just as delusional "love" exists for so many people, delusions of possibility exist in so many people's minds, because they think they can do things, but thinking and dreaming you can are very different to getting off your arse and making it happen.

I just have to get through the feelings of embarrassment of doing crap, whether it's crap wedding videos, crappy little videos and commercials, or anything else that I think is second or third rate, amateurish, or just plain naff.

The more I keep at this, the closer I get to finding a style, finding my voice, and finding whatever it is that actually WORKS.

And if it means entries like this every now and then, so be it.

Gratuitous violence and gratuitous sexual violence in films

2008-04-13T09:32:00.001-05:00

Have I covered these subjects already?

I guess this is where I'm having some other issues on this film: it's packed with violence, bad language, racist and sexist characters, and misogynistic attitudes. I'm a bit concerned that the way it ends up isn't going to be something that just glorifies or glamorizes violence and misogyny, that's all. Not saying it will: just concerned to know that it won't. I'd hate to think that I might contribute to some girl's rape or some kid's murder through my implicit approval.

Don't get me wrong: if subject matter is handled well, I think there's an enormously important place for violence in movies. Same with sex, all the "isms" and even misogyny. Films like American History X come to mind, as well as The Godfather, and even Pulp Fiction. Where I have a big problem is when either are being used just as entertainment, or as some kind of titillating "side order" to attract young, impressionable people. Excitement is one thing: when the extremes of human conflict are used as a device to keep people's attention we have a big problem. And at the end of the day I think that the movie industry really does have a responsibility to make films that have some kind of moral backbone.

Anyone can make some crass movie that gets your adrenaline pumping. Making a movie that actually makes you think, and actually moves you, is another.

What was brilliant about the early Scorcese movies - Taxi Driver, Mean Streets etc - is that the violent characters did at least have real conflict. And the misogynists weren't the heroes. There was all kinds of violence, but there was depth to the movies, conflict and resolution in the characters. The characters were real, and the problems and attitudes, lives they lived were real.

Something we don't see enough of lately, it seems. As Michael Moore once said, films used to have a reason. They were important, and not just entertainment, or "chewing gum for the eyes".

BUT AGAIN...how is this all going to help me make the movie I want to make?

I have to stay positive.

Tensions and creativity, and trust

2008-04-12T09:04:00.000-05:00

Well, the tensions have continued in the process of creating this film. Some kind of spark seems to have gone, or is difficult to find - at least for me. Perhaps it's something to do with a lack of trust.

The director is young, and it's a very intense shooting schedule. They've not been getting as much rest as they could, and perhaps that's contributed to the frostiness on their part. When you know what you want from something, it does become more likely that you'll force it than if you have plenty of time to do it. That goes especially in the creative process.

The day the big tension moment arrived I'd been asking questions about technical points, and the directors both virtually told me to shut up and get on with acting, rather than "doing their job for them". Well that hurt. If I'm really honest it didn't bother me too much that it hurt, because I'm able to process something of where they were coming from, but what it did do was close down something of my creative spark, and it certainly caused a breach of trust.

That was compounded by further emails and behaviours that exascerbated the situation. And, after all, when a bunch of creative people are together there are bound to be ego conflicts. Accommodating and processing them isn't easy, especially when there's a lot of youthful enthusiasm and not a lot of wisdom.

I recognise qualities in myself that are like a double edged sword, too. There's the desire, when things go right, to get blase and bandy around jokey insults and such. It's that banter that men really like, but it gets wearing, and can suddenly turn into something else, especially when things are a bit tense. That certainly happened the other day. And I know that speaking for myself, I'm having to distance myself a bit from the guys, and not go down that route for a bit.

When it gets in the way of the creative spark, it's not doing anyone any good. But certainly the clumsy breach of trust is what sent me into myself, and made me lose some kind of connection not just with the director, but with a character I find it very difficult to believe in as well.

So how is this all helping me understand something of the business of making this movie that I intend to make at some point? Well, it's certainly helping me see that a director needs to be a diplomat and a father figure if he's to encourage his actors and crew to do what he wants them to do. I made a suggestion about the scene, for example, and he referred to it as "retarded".

If you want to encourage creativity in someone, you certainly don't infer that they, or their thoughts or actions, are "retarded" - even if they are.

But again, they're young, and kudos to me for understanding it and not letting it bother me too much.

As an actor, you really have to juggle some opposing things. You have to maintain a certain level of innocence and openness in order to engage that creative inner child that finds the magic. You have to adopt a thick skin, too, to ward off the kinds of ego attacks and put downs that stifle that creativity, too. But he certainly does keep doing them, and it does get tiring. A director can't afford to get on the wrong side of his actors. I know plenty - including myself - who'd land a right hook on a director if he said the wrong thing to me.

In fact, I came very close to it one time. I was due to shoot a commercial and meet a crew at 7am in London, at Liverpool Street station. The day before, my girlfriend of the time had called me from Yorkshire to tell me she'd been raped by some guy who'd attacked her on the moors not far from her home. It'd been a frantic night of talking to her, working through my feelings and thoughts, and planning how on Earth I'd deal with the prospect of helping her with the rape.

The night was long, and for the first time ever, I'd arrived late at the location for the shoot, and as it was so early my agent wasn't there to contact. By the time I found the next location, I was quite late, and the director was pissed off.

I told his I was sorry (all the time with my thoughts and feeling bubbling underneath) and that there was good reason - not able, of course, to say, as I'd probably have exploded in rage and grief had I tried to talk about what happened. I couldn't even say the word "rape" - so fucked up I was.

So of course the director said, with a really snotty look on his face "I don't care". And right there, it was as if a little "X" appeared on his chin, and my first clenched and drew back. At that point, someone seemed to get the drift that something serious had happened - and it was defused.

And so life has a tendency to encroach on plans - particularly creative plans - and make them go awry. They can certainly put such things into prespective.

At the end of the day, this is only a film, after all.

But trust is an important thing. In my opinion, the director isn't showing as great a degree of trustworthiness as I'd like to see. I know why: we think we're the most important thing since sliced bread when we're 23, and that what we're doing is the greatest thing since the moon appeared in the sky. We do whatever we think we need to do to make the stuff happen, and we walk over whoever gets in our way.

It takes a while to understand that just isn't what it's all about.

Maybe I need to bring something of that into my film.

News so far...

2008-03-30T22:04:00.000-05:00

Well there was a bit of tension at the location today, as we were filming and things got a bit fraught.

I was completely exhausted from having been filming a wedding all yesterday and the day before, plus I must have had about 5 hours sleep, much of it interrupted by a party going on at an adjoining apartment.

So we did some scenes and I just kept fluffing lines. Same spot every time, but I kept fluffing the lines, and people started to get pissed off, and I was getting frustrated, and of course that only made things worse. When I'm anxious I tend to slip into old habits. That's what we do when things get a bit tense - old habits, old fears, and old beliefs come up. The old, deep, subconscious patterns come to the surface and take over. Mine, in this example, are the old ones of self sabotage and self doubt. I wasn't able to assert myself in getting a proper rehearsal beforehand, so my mind focussed on that, which of course meant that I wasn't able to focus on the lines, which meant I wasn't able to do a good performance.

Catch 22.

But then we did waste an entire day shooting at the airport last week, because the camera had malfunctioned and it was decided to carry on regardless. No complaint from me about the waste of time there...

Things probably turned out OK, and I did make a point of using the tension in the scene, rather than wankily apologising about it. Perhaps the fact that it created a bit of a dynamic between myself and the other actors helped with the characterization.

I'm sure the crew don't really appreciate it, though. It is, after all, a bit childish. But then actors do need to find that child thing in order to put in a good performance. It does mean making a prick of yourself from time to time, I suppose.

Bizarrely, when I left the location (we were at a pub in Austin called Shakespeare's) I went over to my car and got in on the passenger side. Threw my stuff in the back, then couldn't work out where the steering wheel was.

That's the first time in eleven years I've done that. Surely that must tell me my mind was elsewhere?

I just wonder where!

Other news: apart from weddings, which are really helping me with using the camera, I finished my first documentary, proper, which I've been paid for as a professional. All about home funerals, my neighbour described it as being "very PBS" which, he says, is a complement.

And the client was very happy with it, too. I have to say I'm quite proud of it!

B ut Jesus! The business of making movies is certainly not an easy one. Fun, challenging, but not easy by any stretch of the imagination. Just making the two weddings was exhausting. Making the documentary was nerve wracking, too. I mean, so many people are depending on the things! I want to do a good job, after all.

Red rock lens adaptor

2008-03-26T09:43:00.001-05:00

http://bscenefilms.blogspot.com/2008/01/redrock-m2-cine-lens-adapter-report.html

An alternative to the Brevis

New news

2008-03-23T11:48:00.000-05:00

And so for me it's been the second day of shooting STRINGS. Out at the airport, and shooting scenes of myself taking Billy to the plane to embark on the job.

Fun stuff. I love filming.

Photos to come

Strings

2008-03-15T12:39:00.000-05:00

Well, we had the first rehearsal of the new film, Strings, which starts shooting next week.

Can't talk too much about it right now as we're sworn to secrecy, but I'm playing one of the lead characters, a somewhat misogynistic, violent bastard named Jack.

So a great opportunity for my alter ego.

Other than that, I've been working on some shorter, fun things which are being edited now. The Alternate showed at SXSW the other day. Couple of other movies I did last year are almost finished.

My own efforts have still been on weddings, where I'm learning something of camera work and editing, and a couple of documentaries that I have yet to edit.

Editing has been harder than I really thought it would be. It's been quite taxing sitting in front of a computer for hours on end, staring at moving images.

I prefer being in front of the camera, I have to admit.

Unreliable, flaky people

2008-01-30T08:21:00.000-06:00

So I was going to do a 5 minute thing with the idiot woman I'd dated before, but she's so unreliable it plainly isn't going to happen. A bummer, because I'd scripted it, done all the practice editing of the split screen effects, and worked out in my mind where everything would go and how I would do it. But it came down to OTHER PEOPLE.

And this is where I seem to have hit on a problem with this entire project (and others). I've just found that other people are unreliable. Late, don't show up, can't commit, rip you off, play games, have no talent, don't do what they say they're going to do...

Is it any wonder I just want to be a one man show? I mean, the last wanker, Charles Rothenburg, had no talent - couldn't act, couldn't write - and was weird, hyper manic, and ended up just ripping me off for the prize. Then another video project didn't work out because the woman I was going to do it with flaked at the last minute.

Why are there just so many flakes? Where are the truly reliable people?

But this, of course, is something that runs through life generally. People are flakes.

But the truth is I CAN'T do everything on my own. Or at least I can't if I'm going to do anything more than wacky little videos that reach half a dozen people. Sure, I learn something each time I do a project, but I want to be able to work with reliable people.

But then am I really a producer? Is that what really interests me? The real reason, I know, that I want to make this film - the main reason, anyway - is to write a vehicle for me that leads to better acting work, a great agent, and well paid film work - the route Matt Damon, Ben Affleck and others have taken.

I realise I'm doing it late. Yes, I'm 51 and not 21. But nothing's impossible.

Again, all it comes down to is attitude and clever thinking.

I still want to get something together for this competition, though.

Do I do "castaway" as my backup plan?

Starring me, filmed and edited by me? Using cardboard cutouts, Eric the cat etc?

Hmmmmmm....

News so far...

2008-01-28T12:13:00.000-06:00

The last scenes of The Alternate are now shot. Next is the final parts of post production, such as sound and color correction.

Next movie is "Strings" which is scripted, and we're shooting in the coming weeks.

I play the part of a criminal therapist. More on that as it happens.

I'm setting about doing the next short film for a local competition. Back on to the idea of "When Harry met Sally", with an option (if the leading lady can't make up her mind to get involved) of doing "Castaway", which will be an interesting project as it's set on an island, at sea, in a plane, on a beach, at an airport, and just about everything that gets in the way of me making it.

The idea is to do it all on Green Screen, which I'm endeavouring to learn over the next few days.

I have a documentary or two to film, too; and plenty of weddings over the coming year.

Some other acting work, too: "Script Cops", which is a fun thing. Shot something last week. Should be edited and on the internet in the next couple of days, I would think.

Life is good. It's fun being creative, and I realise just how much I learn by just doing these little, amateurish things...

Ordered a camcorder light today. Probably got ripped off on the battery and charger. I'd like to get the really nice lights I saw for about $1200. I'm paying $80

But there you go. Another time, when I've made some money at this...

StumbleVideo - This.Film.Is.Not.Yet.Rated.

2008-01-25T21:15:00.000-06:00

StumbleVideo - This.Film.Is.Not.Yet.Rated.

The Alternate (scene)

2008-01-15T19:39:00.000-06:00

Getting closer to the finished piece...

Once this is done, we'll get on with the next film.

I've been intending to write another short for a competition here in Austin, but have barely got round to it. Was going to do it with Julia, but we fell out again.

Heigh ho!

This is the first time I've used the Blogger video upload. We'll see how it goes.

The Alterate (Scene)

2008-01-15T12:38:00.000-06:00

StumbleVideo - Truth in Advertising

2008-01-06T19:56:00.000-06:00

StumbleVideo - Truth in Advertising

So far...

2008-01-04T11:18:00.000-06:00

Well, the prize for the Austin Film Race has been taken by my "partner", so no writing course for me.

Bummer, because I'd have liked to have done it. But there's always other prizes. And other courses, should I decide to do one.

Currently working on another competition, to be revealed as it progresses...

More determined than ever now to make this movie, as I don't like being ripped off!

Change of blog title

2007-12-22T17:34:00.000-06:00

I realised that the pressure I put myself under to make a "good" movie, instead of just allowing myself to make mistakes and learn by creating "bad" movies has just been silly.

I need to make bad films so that I discover what the hell it is that I do. I know the process works, because it disengages the critical mind, and allows the true creative child to emerge.

So that's the way things are now.

Any external criticisms aren't appreciated. I do what I do, and it's OK

There IS method to my madness!

Can I do this?

2007-12-21T17:03:00.000-06:00

As of this moment, the idea of my creating a "proper" film by the end of the decade - or ever, in fact - seems to me to be impossible. I just don't feel up to it. I don't feel capable on many levels. Frankly, I just feel like saying "I'm just not up to it".
I don't have the motivation, at least right now, nor the wherewithall, the ability, the talent, the drive, the ingenuity, the stamina or, frankly, the intelligence to do it.

At least, that's how I feel right now. Like many things in my life that I've started with tons of enthusiasm and let go of when I needed to actually apply myself and find something in the apparent darkness, I've given up.

I've just been watching a fascinating documentary about manic depression or bipolar disorder from Stephen Fry, and it's been illuminating and, frankly, somewhat depressing. It's illuminating because I've seen a similar struggle from a man who's been a prolific artist and very funny man who has, like me, struggled with depression and self loathing most of his life. I can see from watching the programme that I've suffered from manic depression, too.

What depresses me, however, is that his level of productivity has way outstripped mine. And that brings me to an interesting conclusion: I've been more obsessed with success, and being seen as successful in others' eyes, than the actual business of doing the things that lead to success itself. I've been far more concerned with the end result than the doing of whatever needs doing.

I feel far, far more of a failure than Stephen Fry, because he at least has been a rather successful actor in his 50 years, whereas I've been your classic failed actor.

I realise that what I must overcome, or perhaps even use, is the experience of that failure, or sense of failure, in this and other projects. Rather than feel that I need to "catch up" on success, if anything I need to find my own pace now, and work out what it is exactly that I want to do, creatively.

What I've done so far in my little film projects embarrasses the hell out of me. I think they're amateurish, silly, trivial, and humiliating. I know on one hand that I'd intended to experience such things just for the hell of studying the feelings in my own "auto voyeuristic" way, but nevertheless all my little YouTube films make me cringe with embarrassment and self loathing. Knowing that my contemporaries - those I'd gone to shool and drama school with, worked with in theatre and TV and film, have
"done so much more than me" sends a message of utter despair through my body and mind. I mean, I know people who are household names, who are prolific actors and writers, whilst I sit and wank around in Austin making silly little films about my cat, and cheap little mock ads that nobody watches.

Yes, I do know that I'm learning as I do these things, and I do know that if I'm able to recognise the illusion of success, and really use these things, and stay on track with my intentions, I'll actually produce something of value at some point. But it is somewhat difficult, I've been finding. Like everyone else, I want to find some style that's original and brilliant.

So I guess I'll continue with my wacky little films, hoping that there is some method in my madness, and hoping that I'll actually be illuminated at some point and inspired enough to make a film that actually means something, and reaches people and moves them.

Then, I suppose, I'll have to deal with the burden of success, and go through the whole process again, whilst I deal with the realisation that success and fame and fortune still don't lead to lasting happiness.

But that, anyway, is something I choose to discover for myself, rather than take it as said.

But right now, as I sit here, I don't feel I can make a film. I don't feel capable of bringing a crew together, nor a script, nor find actors, nor even really know what it is I want to do. And that, in part, is because I'm a bit of a one man show. As an actor I'm fine, because I do my own thing. But I've had a problem with working with others...

So, can I do this?

Well, yes. But it'll mean getting more egg on my face, and making a fool of myself, I know. But that's sometimes the only way to learn.

Woe, woe. and more woe!

2007-12-10T13:45:00.000-06:00

Woe indeed, as I just got news that the SAG national TV ad I shot a month or so ago has cut my scene. So that means no lovely residuals, which I was so hoping would be paying my rent and funding all the nice play and fun and filming over the next year, or at least months.

Heigh ho! That's show business, I guess. But I just have to understand that more money will come. Being the money magnet that I am, this means that there will be money coming from elsewhere to fund these super projects.

Until one is committed...

StumbleVideo - A nice motivational speech of Steve Jobs

2007-12-08T14:35:00.000-06:00

StumbleVideo - A nice motivational speech of Steve Jobs

"Last call for Tacos"

2007-12-07T10:23:00.000-06:00

So...

I had a small part in a locally made film that showed Wednesday night. Called "Last call for tacos" it explored the life of the local "Taco Express", Maria Corbalan. I played her psychiatrist, Dr. Grana. Small part, and a small step, but still a small step in the right direction, and a direction I chose.

"Last Call for Tacos" Trailer

Add to My Profile | More Videos

It was a film that cost $13,000 to make, pretty much all shot on green screen in someone's house, used actors but paid them very little, and used the same camera I have (the DVX 100B) and the same software I have.

So it gives me further confidence about making this film.

Next, I have a couple of projects to work on. Apart from weddings I have a couple of music videos, at least one documentary, a likely commercial, and some projects of my own.

So things are good!

But I do have to focus on writing the script. More importantly, to focus on what the movie's actually about.

But that will come in its own time.

Daily Show Writers On Writers Strike

2007-12-06T18:42:00.001-06:00

YouTube - Gmail: A Behind the Scenes Video

2007-12-06T14:45:00.000-06:00

YouTube - Gmail: A Behind the Scenes Video

Not anything I particpated in myself, but this is rather clever. GMail got everyone to collaborate in this project.

Travis Heights Art Trail 2007 (YouTube version, 10 minutes)

2007-12-03T19:33:00.001-06:00

Shorter edit of Art Trail documentary for YouTube, because it only allows 10 minutes...

Travis Heights Art Trail 2007

2007-12-03T17:06:00.001-06:00

Travis Art Trail
Video sent by synchronicity

Short documentary of my walk along the Travis Heights Art Trail in Austin, December 1st and 2nd, 2007

Love is Real

2007-12-03T15:09:00.001-06:00

Love is Real22
Video sent by synchronicity

Wedding video I made, to John Lennon's "Love"

(Dailmotion version)

So far...

2007-11-28T21:59:00.000-06:00

So...

What's been happening recently?

Well, I've been doing some more acting, which is positive. Been making inroads in the whole business of getting work - and good work - as an actor. Done some more filming, more commercials, and such. Had an invite to join the Screen Actor's Guild, which is a good thing.

Done another wedding, which I'm editing now, along with some other editing jobs. These editing jobs, though small, are of enormous benefit to my learning this business. The weddings, too, because I learn composition, camera skills, and stuff like sound and sound editing. I'm learning as I go along about using mics, using pans and zooms and so on, and I know that as I'm learning myself, I'm picking up my own individual skills and ways of doi

ng things. Learning editing sound (on Adobe Audition) is interesting, too. Not something that can be learned quickly, as it's more complex than video, even.

Having said that, there's an awful lot to learn on editing video. I'm sure that most wedding clients don't understand just how much goes into editing a wedding video - especially if you're going to do it properly.

On the actual subject of The Movie itself, I do realise I've been somewhat stuck. I know that as I set myself lofty goals, it makes the blocks that much more solid. I do know I have to take baby steps along the way, and allow myself to make crap, and make mistakes. Because only be doing so do I learn how to do all this. And my ego, of course, doesn't want me to make mistakes, look foolish, or create things that are amateur or naff.

But that's what I have to do to become any good at this, or anything. I have to allow myself to create amateur looking work as I progress. So it does mean letting myself look foolish or unsophisticated in the mean time.

But the dividends are enormous, long term. If I can sit with looking damn silly, then criticism - the destructive kind of criticism that gets poured on so many people - will be like water off a duck's back by the time I create a film that I can say I'm really proud of.

So to that extent, I can say I've progressed.

Oh, and other news..."The Bride, The Groom and The Gardener" won second place in the Austin Film Race. I've won half a subscription to a Hollywood screen writer's course. Am currently seeing about turning it into a full course...

Big Deke 6: Unfuckwithable - SXSW Grindhouse Trailer

2007-10-26T23:34:00.001-05:00

This is a trailer for a film I should be playing a rather nice part in some time fairly soon.

It's coming out of the same production company as "The Alternate"

Looks like it'll be fun to make - even though it's absurdly violent...

YouTube clips - new YouTube player

2007-10-25T12:45:00.001-05:00

kamera.co.uk - interview - A Quick Chat with Tony Kaye by Monika Maurer

2007-10-23T11:14:00.000-05:00

kamera.co.uk - interview - A Quick Chat with Tony Kaye by Monika Maurer

The whole business of artistic integrity in film is a difficult one, and a depressing one, because Hollywood is geared, it seems, towards narcissism - and stardom is dependent on it.

The article refers to the movie "American History X" which was directed by Tony Kaye and starred Edward Norton. The film was good, got great reviews and an Oscar nomination for Norton, but at the expense of the director's - and the film's - integrity, it seems.

The Alternate Trailer

2007-10-21T20:25:00.001-05:00

So...

Not my movie, but I'm in it.

Dreaming

2007-10-21T09:26:00.000-05:00

OK lets get down to some nitty gritty, and some fessing up about what I believe about myself on some levels.

The making of this and any other films is dependent to a great extent on one thing: my attitude. And that's not just my attitude to the project, but my attitude to myself, others, life and all of it. Whether or not that fact will play a part in the story I don't know, but it's an interesting one.

More than anything, I know that one of the real reasons I want to do this project is for the challenge of doing it. It's the journey, and what I'll learn from it. I do know that historically I've been a dreamer, and it's not been a good thing at all. As a dreamer, it's so easy to say this or that or the other - like "I'm gonna do this or that", but at the end of the day if I'm not getting off my arse and actually making these things happen, then it's only a dream, and a vision without a task is just a dream, just as much as a task without a vision is just drudgery.

I need to spend less time in thinking about doing this project and more time spent in the practicality of actually doing the fucker. But I've been my own worse enemy in the past, and - frankly - something of a wanker. Actually doing something like make a real film is a challenge, because it means changing a lot of beliefs I have about myself and my abilities, and the values and motives that have made me tick or not tick over the years.

One thing seems startlingly clear, and that's that I ain't gonna be able to do this on my own. This is going to have to be a collaborative effort, and that means bringing others into it, and that also means accepting that there will be control issues, artistically and in other ways. I've always do stuff on my own - I mean you only have to look at the little YouTube clips and things to see that not only have I shot the stuff but been in the films myself. I have had HUGE trust issues, and some kind of need for attention that's bordered on the narcissistic. I mean, as an actor I WANT TO BE IN THE PICTURE.

And that, in part, is why I want to make a film myself.

But I do know I have to go back to the understanding that I want to "be a film maker" rather than actually make films. It's the old image thing, and it's a significant bore. No, I don't entirely want to simply be seen and known as an artist/movie maker/actor etc, but those thoughts do creep in, and get in the way of actually doing the job. So I know I need to simply get on with it all, rather than think about it.

But, truth be told, I'm scared. I'm scared of putting hours and days and weeks and months of effort into something, just for it to fail or be rubbish or not go anywhere. I know people who have put an awful lot of time into projects just to leave it all in a hard drive somewhere, and the thing never be seen.

And personally I hate the interim period between my producing wanky, naff little films about nothing and the brilliant, cult film that will be remembered by millions and be a regular favourite amongst depressed teenagers the whole world over.

But fuck it, I want to want to do this thing, and I want to get over all the psychological obstacles that are or might be in the way.

Something,,,anything...to keep the ball rolling

2007-10-12T20:07:00.001-05:00

Something.

ANYTHING on film!

Shoot today

2007-10-12T19:55:00.000-05:00

Well, today I did another little shoot. A "webisode" for a local, Austin company.

Good fun, but I got thinking that I've just not been focusing on this project, and looking at the camera and stuff I've shelled out for, I've been castigating myself for wasting it.

Where is this movie going to come from? I've been putting ads out, because I want to find a pool of actors who are comfortable with improv, and then devise something that's powerful and entertaining, and that doesn't just follow some nonsensical trend - but that has real depth of plot, is well written, with rounded characters and good acting - as well as being well shot.

I guess on some level I just don't feel up to it. Whether I should add a "yet" to that, I'm not sure, but I do feel stuck on knowing how to get moving on this project. It feels to me as though I just don't know what to do that sends me in the right direction, breaks through blocks, and gets the stuff written, let alone acted and put together into a film.

So on some level it's been a kind of difficult day. The old feelings of failure and ineptitude arise at these times, because (of course!) I'm comparing myself to productive, industrious, motivated people who are ten, twenty or even thirty years younger than me, and who have already done things I'd be quite proud of.

But of course for me that's been an issue my whole life. When I was sixteen I compared myself to talented 14 year old, so I guess I've always set myself up to get depressed and not keep motivated.

So maybe that's something I should choose as a topic.

I know for sure that I need to watch some more films, because watching films does get me keen on this thing.

But I ain't complaining about the acting, because I'm doing it and getting paid for it, and that's fine by me. And I know there are movie projects that I'm acting in that are coming up, and they're exciting, for sure.

I know, at the end of the day, that this is ALL about my attitude. My attitude will get this project worked on, completed, and done well.

I just need to hone the attitude and keep it honed. Then I can do anything.

Last call for Tacos

2007-10-08T15:58:00.001-05:00

Here's another movie I have a small part in. I'm playing a psychiatrist named Grana.

It's called "Last call for tacos" and it's about the life of a woman who owns a taco restaurant here in Austin, Texas.

Video editing

2007-10-08T14:56:00.000-05:00

Doing some video editing today.

No, it's not a movie. But it IS experience, and it's closer to doing a movie than selling or painting houses. And I actually quite like it. Plus, it gives me experience in editing, composition, and familiarizes me with the program. Plus, I get paid for it and that can't be bad.

I have some more acting work on Friday. A webisode for something I auditioned for last week. So THAT'S rather nice, too.

I like this. I like doing this work.

Facebook | My Posted Items

2007-10-05T22:00:00.000-05:00

Facebook | My Posted Items

This is the movie "The Alternate" that I was shooting a couple of months ago

The Bride, The Groom and The Gardener (longer credits/music)

2007-10-05T00:12:00.001-05:00

So here it is. I can post it now, since it's been seen by paying audiences...

The showing went rather well. Only seven entries got finished, after all, out of thirteen.

It ain't perfect, but hey! it was all done in 12 hours!

2007-10-04T17:24:00.000-05:00

So tonight's the showing of the Film Race film.

Has ours won? We shall find out in a few hours.

Now, it's really motivated me, that I can get together a film in 12 hours. Not that it's the best written, best acted, best directed, or even best thought out piece of film ever made - it's far from that - but it really taught me a lot about making a film, or any project. And that's that you need to set a time to get it done by, and then stop. However the project is at the end of the set time, whether it's 12 hours, 12 days or 12 months, then that's the time the project is done. No going over that time.

That's an excellent way to be focussed! And I realise that's one of the biggest obstacles that I've faced: how to manage time (in my personal life, too!)

So that much I've learned from this process.

But we'll see how it goes tonight. Fingers crossed, we will have won it.

Something every day.

2007-10-02T13:16:00.000-05:00

I've decided to do something every day that focuses on my films, and my film and acting career.

Let's just call it "the career", so that means anything that relates to acting, acting in films, writing, directing, editing, making movies (either in front of or behind the camera), auditioning, voice overs, preparation for voice overs, research, advertising, photos, classes, emails, teaching, mind focusing, or absolutely anything that relates directly or strongly indirectly to my career in The Media.

If it means a bit of video, or editing, or YouTube, then so be it. But it has to be consistent, and it has to be DAILY.

Today I've already done a few ads for CL and am checking out new software. I'm working on the new voice overs, too.

The showing of the Film Race films is on Thursday night at the Dobie on Guadalupe.

Looking forward to that.

Austin Film Race

2007-09-30T09:32:00.000-05:00

So...

I had a call a couple of days ago from a guy who saw my YouTube stuff and who wanted to make a short for the Austin Film Race, which is where the FILM RACING people are at the moment. So we got together on Friday, talked about what we could do, and decided to enter the race.

Yesterday came round, and we had from noon until midnight to write a film on their subject, including a specific scene, then cast it, shoot it, edit it, add any music plus credits, and get it to them in 12 hours.

So we did that. And we got the DVD to them at 11.59.

The piece is entitled "The Bride, The Groom and The Gardener" and it runs at just under four minutes. It's due to be judged and screened on Thursday at the Adobe in Austin. I will be posting a YouTube version here after then.

It was rather good fun, and now I can say I've made my first film!

Next...something longer and fancier.

The Silence of the Lambs (Outtake Reel)

2007-09-27T14:20:00.001-05:00

Blooprs from famous films...

Always amusing

Being a professional film actor again

2007-09-25T11:01:00.000-05:00

Well, I did a nice little job yesterday. It was a short, paid piece for a film company that wanted an intro to their DVD. I played a comedy director on a film set, and it all went rather well, although I say so myself. Every time I work as a professional actor I feel alive, and really good about who I am and what I'm doing.

It's nice getting paid for what you do when you're being creative. There's nothing quite like it. And it all adds to the resume, leads to more work, and hones my skills just that bit more.

But where, you might ask, does it help with my making this film?

Well, it's certainly a step in the right direction, isn't it, to be acting in something. But I do know I need to be writing this screenplay if I'm to make real inroads into the project. But I do have a cunning plan...

Which I won't be sharing at this time.

More news

2007-09-18T16:04:00.000-05:00

So...

What's been happening directly for the production of this movie, lately?

Well, I can honestly say not a lot. Not sure if I've lost momentum, or if it's just that I've not come up with any clear ideas for scripts. I do think I want to do something that's more in the vein of French cinema, in that it doesn't have a happy end, necessarily, and that it certainly doesn't follow the corny, hackneyed Hollywood idea of a film. In that regard, I don't know why I've been reading books that tell you how to write for Hollywood.

However, I do still have some bits and pieces happening, film wise. Did a short piece the other week called "Mars". Could hardly be any smaller a part, as I had just a couple of lines. But I was in the film, and that's positive.

I have an audition today for something, too, and an audition in a couple of days for another, short film. Plus an audition for the excellent Esther's Follies, which would mean great fun, regular money, and a good opportunity to get my writing wheels working.

Little bit of editing might be happening. And I have the Shakespeare piece with Karl to reshoot and edit. And I think it's time I took the DVX out for another spin.

So generally speaking, things are pretty good.

Off to the casting now.

News

2007-09-08T16:55:00.000-05:00

So...

Feeling a little more motivated today.

I did a nice improv workshop today, at Esther's Follies. Great little place, and I can see it's got some bright people there. It's been a while since I did much improv - apart from the jams at The Hideout - and I've felt a bit rusty. But it's like riding a bike - it comes back to you. It didn't really bother me too much that I've had vertigo now for three weeks. I didn't fall over, so that was something.

But I have joined the forum looking for "dangerous" actors for my improv/film idea. First of all I want to find a bunch of actors who are willing to go a bit deeper into themselves and let themselves go out of their comfort zones. Just to pull in some risk takers, for various projects I have in mind, including the film ideas.

And I'm doing some filming on tuesday. Something called "Mars". A semi animated piece, from what I gather.

Groundhog Day

2007-09-06T18:53:00.000-05:00

I've been feeling a bit down today, because of stuff. Part of it is that I want inspiration to be here, and be engrossed in something like this movie, but you just can't force it. You can only coax such things. But I'm aware that the project has slowed down in recent weeks.

I just went outside to take my neighbour's dog for a walk, and I felt like Phil Connors did when he was really depressed in "Groundhog Day". I'd been dwelling on the fact that the woman I thought I was in love with wasn't in my life, and that she didn't want me. I'd been waiting for her to IM me as my messenger was up, she was online, but I wasn't going to make the move. I was playing a power thing, because I didn't like the way she'd treated me. I'd ended the thing, but like a fool I slipped back into wanting her. What a wanker, eh? Tsk!

So I had a little think about a couple of films I've seen recently. One was The Bridge, which is actually a documentary about suicides. The crew set up a camera on The Golden Gate Bridge for a year and filmed all the jumpers. A lot of people kill themselves by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, apparently.

One of the characters was a guy named Gene (they interview family and friends, who talk about the suicides). Gene had spent a lot of time online, trying to find love, and had obviously obsessed over a number of people, looking for love outside of himself. So I found myself empathising with him, a little.

And then I just figured, as I put the two films together - Groundhog Day and The Bridge - and I realised I've been doing the same thing. And is it any wonder that I was feeling depressed, having given my power away like that?

I've been watching The Secret - another non-fiction film, at least in that it's about metaphysics, and not a regular movie - and it's been harking on similar things. They emphasize being appreciative of what one already has, and just enjoying life, and not chasing love, as Phil Connors discovered after much heartache and depression. And I realise that's exactly what I have to do, as well.

My sister called me today, crying and depressed, and also angry and bitter, and pouring scorn at me, as though I was somehow responsible for her feelings. It baffles me that someone thinks that just because you were born of the same parents you have some right to call whenever you want, and that person will listen to you even if you're being insulted when they're drunk.

Now that's beside the point, at least on this blog, except that I did realise that a lot of what I was going through, and what I was thinking, and the little epiphanies I was having as I was walking the dog, might actually be nice little moments in a film. So there's screenplay material there.

And it's funny, because the screenwriting book I'd been reading shortly before I met this woman had suggested having relationships and living "real life", as they - relationships - are naturally an endless source of material for any artist, whether he's a writer or not. This is very true. For an artist, no relationship is a failure if you know how to use what you learn from it.

So one thing at least can be taken from the short relationship with "Mary", and that's that I have to go back to doing what I enjoy - art and writing and acting and all of it - regardless of having some relationship. Women and relationships are the cherry on the top of living, not the cake itself. And they're only ever attracted to men who have passion about their own lives. I had that when I met her, then I lost it. Now I have it back again, and some more subject matter for a film.

So no more hanging on to waiting for love from outside. I can imagine that's what my sister's doing, even by calling me. Just giving her love to her father, and demanding it from me at the same time. Because she, like Phil Connors, has no real passion for herself, and her own life. More subject matter for a film...

It's funny, because when I'm absorbed in something I'm a different person. That's when I come alive. But that stands to reason, doesn't it?

It's odd that "Mary" should have come round to my place the day I was shooting the last film - The Alternate. She brought back Champagne that I'd taken to hers for her birthday. I wonder if she wanted to see me, rather than just bring the poo back? I guess I'll never know. Either she knew I was filming and wanted to bring it back when I was out, or she brought it back as an excuse to see me. Or she just brought it back for bringing it back's sake.

But I don't know, and I won't obsess about it. But again, that does make for an interesting subject - obsession. Maybe I should make a film about obsession. There we go - more subject matter for a film.

Hmmmm....now there's an idea! I mean, what is obsession if it isn't giving your power away, and not getting on with your own life? I have some great obsession stories. I was obsessed with some woman a few years back and it went on for years. Had it in my head that "she was the one" as a result of a magic spell done for my by some nutty witch. Talk about giving your power away! Could there by a worse case of it? Thinking that one's destiny is tied up by all manner of bullshit?

But again...interesting stuff for a screenplay.

The odd crap I've been through and thought is pretty common for a lot of people, I think. That's what makes it good subject-matter for films. I'll have to get on with this thing, methinks...

But thanks to The Secret, The Bridge, and Groundhog Day for reminding me of some important priorities. Movies - good, thought provoking movies - play an important part in our lives.

Mary reminded me of that, too.

Reel.com: Anthony Hopkins

2007-08-24T16:24:00.000-05:00

Reel.com: Anthony Hopkins

News...

2007-08-14T18:15:00.000-05:00

So..

Tomorrow I have another casting in San Antonio, for another piece of paid filming.

More filming coming up with me as actor, and tomorrow I'm shooting some of the Shakespeare piece with Karl. Look out for it here.

Most of it I'm intending to play with in post: there will be various edits here and there of different scenes, and a dream sequence of some kind, methinks. Main thing is that it will be handheld and stylized. Probably use Magic Bullet somewhere along the line.

It will be nice to use people in a variety of ways. Maybe shoot some stuff in cafes, and have reaction shots from other people. Use some extras, probably.

It will be fun!

And I have some other projects coming up, too, I know. Some of them are going to be rather good.

Collective Unconscious

2007-08-14T16:14:00.001-05:00

Another UT project. A mock documentary about a mad professor character who's on death row for murder.

Effort

2007-08-13T11:29:00.000-05:00

I'm understanding more and more as I go into the pre production of this movie just how much effort is required for it.

I was at a meeting of the Austin film school bi-monthly showing of people's stuff when it really dawned on me how much effort has to go into all of it. You just simply can't do it all on your own, and you most certainly can't do a good job without focussed, dedicated professionals who really pay attention to detail. Each person, whether it's the sound guy, director, PA, makeup artist, 2nd assistant, DP, or whatever HAS to be on the ball. There can be some much to go wrong in making a film, and that's why such large crews are needed.

Then there's the business of making the fricking script. Can I really do that? I mean, dedicate so much time to writing something? Is my passion for doing it REALLY there? But how will I find the time to hone my skills as an actor, which I know is really where all my passion lies?

I know that today I really want to write for at least an hour and come up with at least a page of dialogue for the screenplay. But can I do it?

Can I make the effort? And is my motivation for doing it sound?

News so far...

2007-08-10T15:47:00.000-05:00

"The Alternate" is pretty much finished. Did some last shots yesterday, and there might be one or two bits and pieces to pick up here and there. The wrap party is tomorrow night in Austin.

As an actor, I'm feeling great about what I've done in recent months. It's really boosted my confidence, and I know for certain I'm a powerful, very castable actor. I am, as they say, in the zone. And I'm in a good loop, artistically.

Next week I'm shooting some stuff with Karl - the Shakespeare piece, from Hamlet.

I did intend to shoot a scene with the ex, Julia, of Richard III and Lady Anne. Don't know if that's going to happen, seeing as she's a bit unreliable and maybe just too scatterbrained. Maybe she just doesn't want to do scenes with me. Who knows? Her loss as well as mine. It's a bore when you can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

I remember Bruce Willis saying one time when he'd broken up with Demi Moore that there has to be a kind of Zen attitude towards getting what you want. You have to want it, but not want it too much. Which is interesting, because it does mean not being too attached to the outcome of something, if it's a relationship or a film. That's how I'm choosing to look at a lot of things lately, and this project included. What's interesting is that it's falling into place without my having to try much at all. I'm just focussing on what I want, and that's that.

It's all a matter of trust, for sure. Trusting that the universe will provide.

Had some great script ideas today, which I've done some synopses for. Won't publish them here. Lots more to do on them.. Fun to do, though, and I can now actually see the thing falling into place in the same way everything else has.

I do love acting, though. Love it.

More news

2007-07-30T03:59:00.000-05:00

So...

More projects coming along now!

First of all, I'm directing a short video of a Shakespeare monologue in the coming month. Met a guy - Karl Anderson - on "The Alternate" who will do a great job of it. Interesting ideas, yet to be fully fleshed out, but it's happening.

More news on that to come.

"The Alternate" finished shooting today, at least for me, apart from perhaps an odd pickup here or there in the coming week or so.

But it turned out to be a really great, fun shoot. And it's leading to other really good work, and excellent, creative film and acting projects. I've met some good people on it.

Looking forward to seeing it.

Set from "The Alternate"

2007-07-29T11:54:00.001-05:00

Set from "The Alternate"
Originally uploaded by jaxpix

This is a shot of part of the set from the film "The Alternate" which is shooting today. I play the part of Sal Plath, boss guy person of the place.

News so far

2007-07-29T10:21:00.000-05:00

Well, I've been shooting "The Alternate" and I can say it's been bloody good fun!

Playing the part of a character called "Plath", the story revolves around a group of time travelling boffins, a bit of skullduggery, murder and all that paradox stuff.

Shot on HD, it's all coming out rather well, although I can imagine the A/C noise might prove to be a problem when it comes to the sound down the line in editing. But we'll see.

One thing's for sure is that I've met a great bunch of guys. Enthusiastic, industrious, talented, and fun to work with. So I know these will lead to a variety of projects, friendships, alliances and opportunities in the future.

And the character I've developed has been pretty strong (barring hysterical corpsing last night after 14 hours of filming). I think I can myself using aspects of this guy again in the future.

Positive stuff, for sure.

News so far...

2007-07-15T11:00:00.001-05:00

I'm doing another short film, The Alternate, which is about time travel. That shoots in a couple of weeks. Reshooting some short scenes for House of Super Freak next weekend.

Auditioned for another commercial. That shoots this coming Thursday.

It's been fun getting into playing with editing on the last wedding video. I'm learning a lot by "telling a story" through clips, timing scenes and cuts, timing music and other audio dubs and so on. Every bit helps me understand the process, and adds to my skills.

The relationship with Julia ended, a bit prematurely perhaps, in that I don't think we went as far with it as we could have. But that's the way things go, I guess. I lost focus on this project, and my work, because I found myself a bit too addicted to her company. But relationships are important to the creative process, even though they sometimes seem painful or draining. I lost focus for a bit, yes, but I know I'm more focussed as a result. So in the end my time with her has benefitted me; I can only hope it benefitted her, too.

But I do miss her. Still, it wasn't as though we were together for all that long. But who knows? Maybe there's a story there somewhere. I filmed some of our interaction, and conversations. Conversations are interesting, especially when you throw in some dangerous questions, or allow yourself to lose face or give your power away. Not only do you understand the dynamic of the relationship, but you get some interesting watching. It's why people are attracted to reality TV: everyone (or at least many) like to see people self destructing. It's the voyeur in all of us. And in some regards voyeurism is what film is all about. We all want to see ourselves in actors, or whoever's portrayed on screen. We all want to either identify or compare or understand something from the behaviours and characters of others, and we all want to learn.

Maybe I should write a film about games people play with each other. Will I have the self discipline, wherewithall and motivation to do that? Well, I've already deleted the link to newspapers on my computer's browser, and distracting programs. So the focus is already more intense.

Jennette and Nathan's wedding - clips with music

2007-07-14T11:40:00.001-05:00

Some clips from a wedding video I shot recently, to the tune of John Lennon's LOVE

News so far

2007-07-06T11:33:00.000-05:00

So...

In the past week or so I've been filming a short for a couple of local guys. It's called The House of Super Freak, and it'll be entered in the usual festivals. I'm playing all three characters in it, so it should be interesting to see how it turns out. It's been interesting, too, to see how much work goes into producing something even so relatively small. It still requires a committed crew, lots of work, and time and money, to make even a little film work.

It's interesting, too, how relationships factor into art. I've been having some interesting moments with Julia, and it's been impacting my creativity, I know. It's fascinating how I become more creative when my emotions are mixed up. I guess what happens in that the primary self is contacted and engaged, and so the really fundamental creative impulses are brought into being. What better way to discover one's creativity, and be creative? One of the books I'm reading on writing, David Trottier's The Screenwriter's Bible mentions the importance of getting out and living one's life. It's an essential to being creative.

This I have been doing.

So on the positive side, I've been creative, been in a relationship, and have been filming. And I'm back writing in this blog. So it can't be all bad.

Editing a wedding at the moment. Maybe doing some filming tomorrrow - just of a house. But it could be an interesting little mini documentary.

Narcissism

2007-06-10T23:37:00.001-05:00

The subject of narcissism came up in the past couple of days, and I read a great quote by TS Elliot regarding the subject, here in Narcissism 101

"Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important...because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves"

It also goes on the say that narcissism is the world's number one killer and there's no known cure. But how many actors are narcissistic? Doesn't acting rely on narcissism? I've known so many actors who were completely narcissistic - myself included - and I can't help but think it's an essential component of an actor. And it disturbs me, too, that my own narcissism is a motive for making this film. Again, perhaps that's something I should explore, rather than be too concerned about, or wish to eradicate. After all, narcissism is an interesting subject, and a kind of "auto voyeurism" is something I'm up for, and always have been. Auto voyeurism is a favourite of some of the greatest artists, after all. And, seeing as I'm attempting to get at the root of what it is to be human, more of an exploration of my own narcissism might be a good thing.

Oddly, too, it will serve my own narcissism, too. What greater thing can there be for a narcissist than to explore his own narcissism "for the benefit of all"...

But I do know that my desire to feel important has been something that's motivated me in the past as well as got in the way of my success in a variety of endeavours. It's also certainly been one of the causes of my depression, lethargy, sloth, and inertia. Perhaps confronting it full on will at least get me up and moving, and doing something in the right direction, and leading to more exciting things.