What's it all about?

To quote Michael Caine in "Alfie", I do find myself asking what it's all about, this film making malarkey. Do I really want to make a film that much? I mean, film making is loaded with egotistical, desperately lonely, fucked up people who need attention and fame, and commonly is there to entertain, move and educated people who have little or no connection or understanding of some of the subleties of existence.

On some level I know I crave the attention and power of fame and fortune (and fortune only really comes from selling to the masses) but in all honesty do I give a rat's arse about reaching some of the ignorant masses if it only means keeping them ignorant, or making them even more so?

So many people in the film industry are arrogant, self important arseholes who have little or no story to tell at all. Why should I devote myself to such an industry? What is the point of selling your soul to people who have no soul themselves? For the sake of money or fame?

Going back to the last project, which was something being made by new film makers: if that kind of arrogance and back stabbing, desperation and ruthless, narrow minded unprofessionalism is what's needed to make a film - let alone such an unimportant story with daft, mindless violence - then I have to ask myself if it's an industry I want to be a part of at all. Do I want fame if what I'm a part of is shite - even if the shite is well packaged, or sold to millions of idjots as entertainment?

But we live in a world where millions read tabloids and watch Jerry Springer. These are the audience we have nowadays.

Depressing, isn't it?

There's some likelihood that some of the shots I was supposed to have been in in "Strings" will have been passed over to one of the other actors. Well as far as I'm concerned, I really don't care. It was in many ways an abysmal film in my eyes, and if that's the kind of thing I'm expected to do in order to be "successful" then I think I'll avoid success all together.

If I'm going to make films, I'm going to make intelligent films. Low budget they might be, but they're going to be well written, with good stories, well rounded characters, and have something important to say. They're not going to be chewing gum for the eyes, no matter how fruity the chewing gum might be. Content is what matters to me, not the way the shot looks through the viewfinder.

I'm far happier with the idea of making a well written cult film that reaches a few thousand than a shite blockbuster that merely pressed the adrenaline buttons.

But I do nevertheless need to get beyond vacillating. This film isn't going to make itself. HOWEVER, when I'm clear about it, I know it's going to come together a lot more easily.