Tensions and creativity, and trust

Well, the tensions have continued in the process of creating this film. Some kind of spark seems to have gone, or is difficult to find - at least for me. Perhaps it's something to do with a lack of trust.

The director is young, and it's a very intense shooting schedule. They've not been getting as much rest as they could, and perhaps that's contributed to the frostiness on their part. When you know what you want from something, it does become more likely that you'll force it than if you have plenty of time to do it. That goes especially in the creative process.

The day the big tension moment arrived I'd been asking questions about technical points, and the directors both virtually told me to shut up and get on with acting, rather than "doing their job for them". Well that hurt. If I'm really honest it didn't bother me too much that it hurt, because I'm able to process something of where they were coming from, but what it did do was close down something of my creative spark, and it certainly caused a breach of trust.

That was compounded by further emails and behaviours that exascerbated the situation. And, after all, when a bunch of creative people are together there are bound to be ego conflicts. Accommodating and processing them isn't easy, especially when there's a lot of youthful enthusiasm and not a lot of wisdom.

I recognise qualities in myself that are like a double edged sword, too. There's the desire, when things go right, to get blase and bandy around jokey insults and such. It's that banter that men really like, but it gets wearing, and can suddenly turn into something else, especially when things are a bit tense. That certainly happened the other day. And I know that speaking for myself, I'm having to distance myself a bit from the guys, and not go down that route for a bit.

When it gets in the way of the creative spark, it's not doing anyone any good. But certainly the clumsy breach of trust is what sent me into myself, and made me lose some kind of connection not just with the director, but with a character I find it very difficult to believe in as well.

So how is this all helping me understand something of the business of making this movie that I intend to make at some point? Well, it's certainly helping me see that a director needs to be a diplomat and a father figure if he's to encourage his actors and crew to do what he wants them to do. I made a suggestion about the scene, for example, and he referred to it as "retarded".

If you want to encourage creativity in someone, you certainly don't infer that they, or their thoughts or actions, are "retarded" - even if they are.

But again, they're young, and kudos to me for understanding it and not letting it bother me too much.

As an actor, you really have to juggle some opposing things. You have to maintain a certain level of innocence and openness in order to engage that creative inner child that finds the magic. You have to adopt a thick skin, too, to ward off the kinds of ego attacks and put downs that stifle that creativity, too. But he certainly does keep doing them, and it does get tiring. A director can't afford to get on the wrong side of his actors. I know plenty - including myself - who'd land a right hook on a director if he said the wrong thing to me.

In fact, I came very close to it one time. I was due to shoot a commercial and meet a crew at 7am in London, at Liverpool Street station. The day before, my girlfriend of the time had called me from Yorkshire to tell me she'd been raped by some guy who'd attacked her on the moors not far from her home. It'd been a frantic night of talking to her, working through my feelings and thoughts, and planning how on Earth I'd deal with the prospect of helping her with the rape.

The night was long, and for the first time ever, I'd arrived late at the location for the shoot, and as it was so early my agent wasn't there to contact. By the time I found the next location, I was quite late, and the director was pissed off.

I told his I was sorry (all the time with my thoughts and feeling bubbling underneath) and that there was good reason - not able, of course, to say, as I'd probably have exploded in rage and grief had I tried to talk about what happened. I couldn't even say the word "rape" - so fucked up I was.

So of course the director said, with a really snotty look on his face "I don't care". And right there, it was as if a little "X" appeared on his chin, and my first clenched and drew back. At that point, someone seemed to get the drift that something serious had happened - and it was defused.

And so life has a tendency to encroach on plans - particularly creative plans - and make them go awry. They can certainly put such things into prespective.

At the end of the day, this is only a film, after all.

But trust is an important thing. In my opinion, the director isn't showing as great a degree of trustworthiness as I'd like to see. I know why: we think we're the most important thing since sliced bread when we're 23, and that what we're doing is the greatest thing since the moon appeared in the sky. We do whatever we think we need to do to make the stuff happen, and we walk over whoever gets in our way.

It takes a while to understand that just isn't what it's all about.

Maybe I need to bring something of that into my film.