News so far...

Well there was a bit of tension at the location today, as we were filming and things got a bit fraught.

I was completely exhausted from having been filming a wedding all yesterday and the day before, plus I must have had about 5 hours sleep, much of it interrupted by a party going on at an adjoining apartment.

So we did some scenes and I just kept fluffing lines. Same spot every time, but I kept fluffing the lines, and people started to get pissed off, and I was getting frustrated, and of course that only made things worse. When I'm anxious I tend to slip into old habits. That's what we do when things get a bit tense - old habits, old fears, and old beliefs come up. The old, deep, subconscious patterns come to the surface and take over. Mine, in this example, are the old ones of self sabotage and self doubt. I wasn't able to assert myself in getting a proper rehearsal beforehand, so my mind focussed on that, which of course meant that I wasn't able to focus on the lines, which meant I wasn't able to do a good performance.

Catch 22.

But then we did waste an entire day shooting at the airport last week, because the camera had malfunctioned and it was decided to carry on regardless. No complaint from me about the waste of time there...

Things probably turned out OK, and I did make a point of using the tension in the scene, rather than wankily apologising about it. Perhaps the fact that it created a bit of a dynamic between myself and the other actors helped with the characterization.

I'm sure the crew don't really appreciate it, though. It is, after all, a bit childish. But then actors do need to find that child thing in order to put in a good performance. It does mean making a prick of yourself from time to time, I suppose.

Bizarrely, when I left the location (we were at a pub in Austin called Shakespeare's) I went over to my car and got in on the passenger side. Threw my stuff in the back, then couldn't work out where the steering wheel was.

That's the first time in eleven years I've done that. Surely that must tell me my mind was elsewhere?

I just wonder where!

Other news: apart from weddings, which are really helping me with using the camera, I finished my first documentary, proper, which I've been paid for as a professional. All about home funerals, my neighbour described it as being "very PBS" which, he says, is a complement.

And the client was very happy with it, too. I have to say I'm quite proud of it!

B ut Jesus! The business of making movies is certainly not an easy one. Fun, challenging, but not easy by any stretch of the imagination. Just making the two weddings was exhausting. Making the documentary was nerve wracking, too. I mean, so many people are depending on the things! I want to do a good job, after all.