I realised that the pressure I put myself under to make a "good" movie, instead of just allowing myself to make mistakes and learn by creating "bad" movies has just been silly.
I need to make bad films so that I discover what the hell it is that I do. I know the process works, because it disengages the critical mind, and allows the true creative child to emerge.
So that's the way things are now.
Any external criticisms aren't appreciated. I do what I do, and it's OK
There IS method to my madness!
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Friday, December 21, 2007
Can I do this?
As of this moment, the idea of my creating a "proper" film by the end of the decade - or ever, in fact - seems to me to be impossible. I just don't feel up to it. I don't feel capable on many levels. Frankly, I just feel like saying "I'm just not up to it".
I don't have the motivation, at least right now, nor the wherewithall, the ability, the talent, the drive, the ingenuity, the stamina or, frankly, the intelligence to do it.
At least, that's how I feel right now. Like many things in my life that I've started with tons of enthusiasm and let go of when I needed to actually apply myself and find something in the apparent darkness, I've given up.
I've just been watching a fascinating documentary about manic depression or bipolar disorder from Stephen Fry, and it's been illuminating and, frankly, somewhat depressing. It's illuminating because I've seen a similar struggle from a man who's been a prolific artist and very funny man who has, like me, struggled with depression and self loathing most of his life. I can see from watching the programme that I've suffered from manic depression, too.
What depresses me, however, is that his level of productivity has way outstripped mine. And that brings me to an interesting conclusion: I've been more obsessed with success, and being seen as successful in others' eyes, than the actual business of doing the things that lead to success itself. I've been far more concerned with the end result than the doing of whatever needs doing.
I feel far, far more of a failure than Stephen Fry, because he at least has been a rather successful actor in his 50 years, whereas I've been your classic failed actor.
I realise that what I must overcome, or perhaps even use, is the experience of that failure, or sense of failure, in this and other projects. Rather than feel that I need to "catch up" on success, if anything I need to find my own pace now, and work out what it is exactly that I want to do, creatively.
What I've done so far in my little film projects embarrasses the hell out of me. I think they're amateurish, silly, trivial, and humiliating. I know on one hand that I'd intended to experience such things just for the hell of studying the feelings in my own "auto voyeuristic" way, but nevertheless all my little YouTube films make me cringe with embarrassment and self loathing. Knowing that my contemporaries - those I'd gone to shool and drama school with, worked with in theatre and TV and film, have
"done so much more than me" sends a message of utter despair through my body and mind. I mean, I know people who are household names, who are prolific actors and writers, whilst I sit and wank around in Austin making silly little films about my cat, and cheap little mock ads that nobody watches.
Yes, I do know that I'm learning as I do these things, and I do know that if I'm able to recognise the illusion of success, and really use these things, and stay on track with my intentions, I'll actually produce something of value at some point. But it is somewhat difficult, I've been finding. Like everyone else, I want to find some style that's original and brilliant.
So I guess I'll continue with my wacky little films, hoping that there is some method in my madness, and hoping that I'll actually be illuminated at some point and inspired enough to make a film that actually means something, and reaches people and moves them.
Then, I suppose, I'll have to deal with the burden of success, and go through the whole process again, whilst I deal with the realisation that success and fame and fortune still don't lead to lasting happiness.
But that, anyway, is something I choose to discover for myself, rather than take it as said.
But right now, as I sit here, I don't feel I can make a film. I don't feel capable of bringing a crew together, nor a script, nor find actors, nor even really know what it is I want to do. And that, in part, is because I'm a bit of a one man show. As an actor I'm fine, because I do my own thing. But I've had a problem with working with others...
So, can I do this?
Well, yes. But it'll mean getting more egg on my face, and making a fool of myself, I know. But that's sometimes the only way to learn.
I don't have the motivation, at least right now, nor the wherewithall, the ability, the talent, the drive, the ingenuity, the stamina or, frankly, the intelligence to do it.
At least, that's how I feel right now. Like many things in my life that I've started with tons of enthusiasm and let go of when I needed to actually apply myself and find something in the apparent darkness, I've given up.
I've just been watching a fascinating documentary about manic depression or bipolar disorder from Stephen Fry, and it's been illuminating and, frankly, somewhat depressing. It's illuminating because I've seen a similar struggle from a man who's been a prolific artist and very funny man who has, like me, struggled with depression and self loathing most of his life. I can see from watching the programme that I've suffered from manic depression, too.
What depresses me, however, is that his level of productivity has way outstripped mine. And that brings me to an interesting conclusion: I've been more obsessed with success, and being seen as successful in others' eyes, than the actual business of doing the things that lead to success itself. I've been far more concerned with the end result than the doing of whatever needs doing.
I feel far, far more of a failure than Stephen Fry, because he at least has been a rather successful actor in his 50 years, whereas I've been your classic failed actor.
I realise that what I must overcome, or perhaps even use, is the experience of that failure, or sense of failure, in this and other projects. Rather than feel that I need to "catch up" on success, if anything I need to find my own pace now, and work out what it is exactly that I want to do, creatively.
What I've done so far in my little film projects embarrasses the hell out of me. I think they're amateurish, silly, trivial, and humiliating. I know on one hand that I'd intended to experience such things just for the hell of studying the feelings in my own "auto voyeuristic" way, but nevertheless all my little YouTube films make me cringe with embarrassment and self loathing. Knowing that my contemporaries - those I'd gone to shool and drama school with, worked with in theatre and TV and film, have
"done so much more than me" sends a message of utter despair through my body and mind. I mean, I know people who are household names, who are prolific actors and writers, whilst I sit and wank around in Austin making silly little films about my cat, and cheap little mock ads that nobody watches.
Yes, I do know that I'm learning as I do these things, and I do know that if I'm able to recognise the illusion of success, and really use these things, and stay on track with my intentions, I'll actually produce something of value at some point. But it is somewhat difficult, I've been finding. Like everyone else, I want to find some style that's original and brilliant.
So I guess I'll continue with my wacky little films, hoping that there is some method in my madness, and hoping that I'll actually be illuminated at some point and inspired enough to make a film that actually means something, and reaches people and moves them.
Then, I suppose, I'll have to deal with the burden of success, and go through the whole process again, whilst I deal with the realisation that success and fame and fortune still don't lead to lasting happiness.
But that, anyway, is something I choose to discover for myself, rather than take it as said.
But right now, as I sit here, I don't feel I can make a film. I don't feel capable of bringing a crew together, nor a script, nor find actors, nor even really know what it is I want to do. And that, in part, is because I'm a bit of a one man show. As an actor I'm fine, because I do my own thing. But I've had a problem with working with others...
So, can I do this?
Well, yes. But it'll mean getting more egg on my face, and making a fool of myself, I know. But that's sometimes the only way to learn.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Woe, woe. and more woe!
Woe indeed, as I just got news that the SAG national TV ad I shot a month or so ago has cut my scene. So that means no lovely residuals, which I was so hoping would be paying my rent and funding all the nice play and fun and filming over the next year, or at least months.
Heigh ho! That's show business, I guess. But I just have to understand that more money will come. Being the money magnet that I am, this means that there will be money coming from elsewhere to fund these super projects.
Until one is committed...
Heigh ho! That's show business, I guess. But I just have to understand that more money will come. Being the money magnet that I am, this means that there will be money coming from elsewhere to fund these super projects.
Until one is committed...
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Friday, December 7, 2007
"Last call for Tacos"
So...
I had a small part in a locally made film that showed Wednesday night. Called "Last call for tacos" it explored the life of the local "Taco Express", Maria Corbalan. I played her psychiatrist, Dr. Grana. Small part, and a small step, but still a small step in the right direction, and a direction I chose.
"Last Call for Tacos" Trailer
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It was a film that cost $13,000 to make, pretty much all shot on green screen in someone's house, used actors but paid them very little, and used the same camera I have (the DVX 100B) and the same software I have.
So it gives me further confidence about making this film.
Next, I have a couple of projects to work on. Apart from weddings I have a couple of music videos, at least one documentary, a likely commercial, and some projects of my own.
So things are good!
But I do have to focus on writing the script. More importantly, to focus on what the movie's actually about.
But that will come in its own time.
I had a small part in a locally made film that showed Wednesday night. Called "Last call for tacos" it explored the life of the local "Taco Express", Maria Corbalan. I played her psychiatrist, Dr. Grana. Small part, and a small step, but still a small step in the right direction, and a direction I chose.
"Last Call for Tacos" Trailer
Add to My Profile | More Videos
It was a film that cost $13,000 to make, pretty much all shot on green screen in someone's house, used actors but paid them very little, and used the same camera I have (the DVX 100B) and the same software I have.
So it gives me further confidence about making this film.
Next, I have a couple of projects to work on. Apart from weddings I have a couple of music videos, at least one documentary, a likely commercial, and some projects of my own.
So things are good!
But I do have to focus on writing the script. More importantly, to focus on what the movie's actually about.
But that will come in its own time.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
YouTube - Gmail: A Behind the Scenes Video
YouTube - Gmail: A Behind the Scenes Video
Not anything I particpated in myself, but this is rather clever. GMail got everyone to collaborate in this project.
Not anything I particpated in myself, but this is rather clever. GMail got everyone to collaborate in this project.
Monday, December 3, 2007
Travis Heights Art Trail 2007 (YouTube version, 10 minutes)
Shorter edit of Art Trail documentary for YouTube, because it only allows 10 minutes...
Travis Heights Art Trail 2007
Travis Art Trail
Video sent by synchronicity
Short documentary of my walk along the Travis Heights Art Trail in Austin, December 1st and 2nd, 2007
Love is Real
Love is Real22
Video sent by synchronicity
Wedding video I made, to John Lennon's "Love"
(Dailmotion version)
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